Thursday, 29 March 2012

Hate That I Love You

I'm so stupidly insecure :/ I constantly have this horrible feeling that AB's going to lose interest in me any second :( And I don't know why, he's so affectionate and sweet, he makes me so happy and when I'm with him I constantly think 'Is it actually possible to love someone this much?' because I do, I love him, and I've known for a while now. I think my insecurity comes from how scared I am to lose him, I never open up to anyone the way I do with him, and I've known him for so long if I lost him as a boyfriend I'd lose him all together and that would kill me :/

It doesn't help that I keep bursting into tears whenever I'm alone this week -_- I hate being female *hint as to why I'm so emotional* Sorry to make this all about him, but I feel like I have to get these feelings out some how, and there's not much to say about my eating, other than this is and is going to be a tough week because I just want to eat everything from being emotional, and although I keep treating myself like a dog, I'm not binging as such, so I guess it could be worse...

I hope you're all doing well :) It's odd how much I feel like I need people that I've never met before, but you guys make me feel less alone and I love you for that...

"And I hate how much I love you boy, I can't stand how much I need you. And I hate how much I love you boy, but I just can't let you go, and I hate that I love you so. One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me, and your kiss won't make me weak. But no one in this world knows me the way you know me, so you'll probably always have a spell on me..."

Posted at 19:15

Monday, 26 March 2012

Shake It Out

Okay so I lied, I am starting the ABC Diet again. I really didn't want to but I've been so shit that when I looked at my progress all it said was

And so on...

So yeah now today is day one. I always take advantage of the 500 calorie days and have cereal for breakfast, which makes me feel incredibly guilty but it's all I've eaten and all I'm going to eat for the rest of today is fruit and vegetables :) I'm also super happy because my mum got me a 30 day free pass for her gym, so starting Thursday I can do hours of exercise almost every day! :D I think it'll benefit me a lot more than doing cardio in my cramped bedroom aha. So yeah, bye bye fat! Let's get me down to a size 6 (uk) for the party I'm going to in a month! :)

The outfit I'm planning on wearing to the party but with different kind of black heels and a long black pendant necklace ^-^ I'm looking forward to wearing a crop top without feeling disgusting!

Englishrose: I know they're so good! :) I saw them at the O2 last year, it was epic! I don't know if I'll ever tell him about having an ed to be honest :/ I just feel like he'd instantly try to stop me and make things too difficult. Good I'm glad you've got your motivation back! :) We'll both stay strong ^-^ Okay thank you :) My email's under the 'contact me' bit on my page :) x

"Tonight I'm gonna' bury that horse in the ground, 'cause I like to keep my issues drawn. It's always darkest before the dawn. Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out."

Posted at 15:29

Thursday, 22 March 2012

The Only Exception

"What have you eaten today?" ...I go silent. Due to the fact that I trust him more than anyone (besides LG) I've let myself tell him too much. He has no idea about my blog, about the fact that I have a real eating disorder, that I go insanely out of my way to lose weight, but he knows I feel disgusting, and that I try not to eat loads, so he worries. Fuck, why do I give away so much :/ At least I'm good at quick thinking though so I can think up a variety of food 'that I ate' on the spot.

As well as that in the past two days, while watching Black Swan he said "Eww look how skinny she is, that's just wrong" and when talking about my eating yesterday he hugged me and said "I don't want you getting all skinny!". This terrifies me, he's so great for wanting me the way I am (as mental as he is for that) but I'm scared he won't want me after I drop all of this weight. But as much as I care about him, I cant stop, it just doesn't work that way :/

On another note, I know it seems like I'm not updating me stats, but I genuinely have been stuck on this weight for so long now. It's either due to my scale getting it wrong for the first time ever, or the fact that I keep doing well all day every day, and then binging my ass off at night on anything and everything I can find :/ But I know I'm getting stronger, I'm feeling so much more will full to do perfectly, and am learning my old techniques to control my hunger. I'm not going to start the ABC diet over, because it just sets me up to fail and pushes back the day of reaching my GW even more, so I'm just going to push through and get better :)

Englishrose: I guess you were right :/ I wish I could feel the same way about my weight as he does! And thanks, you too ^-^ Except for bbm as I don't have a Blackberry aha :) x

"Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts, and we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face. And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness, because none of it was ever worth the risk, but you are the only exception."

Posted at 21:44

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Lego House

There was a time not too long ago where the thought of going on the ABC Diet without taking off at least 200 calories for each day seemed impossible, like I couldn't possibly eat that much. But now I feel like it's the only thing to sort myself out :/ so today is day one of the diet. I'll try my absolute hardest to do you guys proud :)

On another subject, I have a boyfriend :) I'm like in shock :L I haven't had a boyfriend since 2010 so this is insane for me. The guy is AB, my very close friend who I've always liked and has always liked me back, we started seeing each other about a month and a half ago and two days ago we officially got together ^-^ hehe. It's made me ten times more motivated to lose this weight, I want to be the stick figure he can wrap his arms right round and lift up, I want him to be proud to call me his girlfriend :) 

Englishrose: I like the way you put that :) 'the last beginning' seems like a perfect way to describe it :) Thanks for following and for the support ^-^ x

"My three words have two meanings, there's one thing on my mind, it's all for you. And it's dark in a cold December but I've got you to keep me warm. And if you're broken I will mend you and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now.
I'm out of touch, I'm out of love, I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind, I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now."

Posted at 09:43

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Fast Forward To 2012

Here I am again. I'm really sorry for not being here for so long, and sorry for not even being here to read your blogs. I just gave up completely, food once again became my comfort and I had no power. Every time I tried to start over I gave in because I just didn't care enough. But now I do, and I wont let you down again, and I'll be here to read your beautiful blogs. I know that my blog doesn't make much difference for people, I have little followers and it's not the most exciting blog, but I love you all, including my new follower, for taking interest anyway <3

The part I'm dreading telling you, I've wanted to do a post for a while now, but didn't want to update my new weight, because it's gone from a respectable 123.6lb
That's right. Since Christmas, I've put on 12.6lb.


But today I've had a cup of coffee, and just put my dinner in the bin, I've also done a lot of walking, and once again find myself addicted to thinspo and constantly thinking about weight loss. This is my third fucking time trying to get to my UGW, but they say third time's a charm, and I won't give up again. I'm going to show everyone. And I'm going to be here to support you all <3

"We welcome you to the second chapter, thanks for turning the other page. We acknowledge you as the only reason for the progress that we've made."