Monday, 2 January 2012

Take A Bow

Erin. - Your comments always bring me some happiness :) It's nice to know that people can relate to me, we're not alone :) And thank you, I hope your friend gets better too and I hope things are going okay with you :) xx

I oddly feel like I have a lot to say..but it's all pointless aha. Once I get back into the habit of blogging I love it, it's like a diary I need to add to :) I'm feeling a little better right now. But I'm not sure why, still have the boy on my mind - not that he deserves to be, still feel fat, and still don't really have any reason to be happy. But fuck it, if I'm feeling okay, I'm not going to complain about it. It must be because I went back to my coffee,apple,coffee diet today without fail :) 

Something that reminds me of sadness though is when I look at the arm I cut up the other night. Dozens of deep, dark red lines everywhere...and it still hurts. When I was 13/14 or so I used to like my scars for some reason, I found them artistic and unique, and they resembled who I was and how I felt, and the fact that I had power over something. (very fucked up...wasn't on the crazy pills yet). I think I also liked having a secret to cover up, the arm warmers and the long sleeves to hide them gave me 'tasks' every day. But now I hate my cuts. HATE THEM. They're ugly, they resemble pain and weakness, and I hate having to cover them up, I already cover up the fact that I have pretty severe depression from everyone outside of my family other than LG and SB. And I have to hide my eating disorder from every single person (except for you beauties). I don't need another thing to hide. So I'm hoping that even at my darkest moments I won't do it again. Growth of some sort right?

On another subject, I'm actually OBSESSED with my darling Rihanna right now. I have like a million pictures of her on my computer, a small poster and a calender when I normally refuse to put up either of those kinds of things in my room xD, every single song of hers, I know loads about her including practically everything about her gorgeous 14 tattoos and soon I'm plastering little pictures of her on my wall :) Little bit weird but don't worry it's fine aha.
She's just incredible to me. She was my age when she first started becoming famous, she's so talented, strong, cheeky, loving, sexy, beautiful, sure of herself, stylish, and she's been through a lot. I adore the girl <3 Another thing I love about her is her size, she's not fat, she's not stick thin, she's perfect. And she's happy that way. I wish wish WISH that I could be happy like that and love myself. I cant eat more than 200 calories without feeling like a hippo. I hope that she never loses weight because I wouldn't want her to ever suffer the consequences of an eating disorder.

Who keeps me strong?
1. You darlings.
2. My darling Rihanna.
Thank you <3

That's my girl ;)

"How about a round of applause? A standing ovation? But you put on quite a show, really had me going. Now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing. That was quite a show, very entertaining. But it's over now, go on and take a bow."

Posted at 00:55 (Tuesday)

1 comment:

  1. Yea I was rly proud of my scars too but then I also hated relationship...same with food any rate many ppl r so beautiful just the way they are and we think so so truly but looking at ourselves it just never is enough...its part of the disease or the striving for perfection IDK...either case, ur not alone dear...I'm sry abt the boy, he dnt deserve u feeling fat cuz u arent. time will heal all things<3 stay strong!