Monday, 30 January 2012

The Anthem

Today has been my first good day with my eating in so long :) *snap* ... here that? ;) Anyway it's made me in a good mood. It's bad though that I told myself I wouldn't blog until I could be proud of my eating, so I've been too ashamed for too long. But I'm okay now ^-^ Sorry to have been letting you down!


I've been loading up the things in my mind I want to talk about, most of it's totally pointless, but like I've mentioned before, I feel like this is a kind of journal, and I like to talk about whatever pops into my head, or whatever I list haha :) But I'll save some for my next post, I see this one dragging as it is. One of these is that - to refer to my darling Rihanna - I've gone all 'Rated R' with my style, when her look went from good, cute girl, to grown up, dark, sexy, somewhat shocking, and unique :) So similar to this I've decided to ditch wearing the cute stuff, and be...well, not so much shocking, but unique, yeah unique :) I've never managed to find a balance with my style, I was either super emo, looked like a boy, slutty looking, or cutesy girly girl so I'm finding the balance and my look now, what I'm going for is not so much looking gothic, I'm way over that, but more adventurous, fun, but with enough girlyness to not look like a boy OR a 5 year old girl, and look sexy without looking slutty. It wont be easy, but it'll be a challenge at least, haha!


Another reason for my not blogging in a while is that I've gotten myself wrapped up in something else on the computer. A dating simulation game. Yep, I realise that I'm going to be 18 this year, a certified adult, and I realise how insanely lame it is to enjoy such soppy games at my age, but what can I say, you like what you like right? :) The game I've become addicted to is an anime-style drawn, Japanese game called 'Katawa Shoujo'. I have absolutely no idea what the name means, but the game has a twist, it's not your typical boy meets handful of girls in a school, picks and falls in love, it's about a boy with a heart condition, who transfers in his last year to a high school specially for disabled teenagers, where he meets 5 disabled girls (this sounds kind of sick or twisted, but it's not how it sounds, it's actually a really heart touching and sweet game) There's something about it that I find incredible, and is making me begin to have a real interest in disabled people, how they deal with it, how it effects their lives, it's pretty amazing :) Another thing I like about it is the fact that the characters are pretty much my age, and the fairly awkward 'first time' style or occasionally romantic - although slightly more physically graphic than I first thought sex scenes make me feel less childish playing a dating sim haha :)


I'd love to make my own dating simulation game, in fact I'm practically already starting the character designs on Macromedia Flash for what I imagine the characters to be like :) Considering I love being creative I see it as a good use of my time :) Of course if I ever finished it I'd never share it though - the reasons being that I'd be too embarrased, it'd probably be terribly made, and come to think of it I don't even know how to make it into a functioning online thing, I only know how to put it together and make it work on flash.


BUT ANYWAY, all I've done is ramble about my style and bloody game! Why do I choose to bore you poor people. Hope your lives are more interesting than mine, and that I've not taken away too much time that you'll never get back by you reading this ;) Love you guys!


From left to right...Lilly: blind, Hanako: burn victim and severe social issues, Rin: no arms, Shizune: deaf & Emi: no legs. Emi is my favourite so far :) But I also love Hanako. WHY AM I SO LAME?!

Emma - Yeah it's probably the same for all people who struggle with eating :/ But you do so well I'm so proud of you! ^-^ Thanks for the support :) x

"Do you ever wanna' be like them? Do you really wanna' be another trend? Do you wanna' be part of the crowd? 'Cause I don't ever wanna', I don't ever wanna' be you, don't wanna' be just like you."


Posted at 22:55

Monday, 23 January 2012

Shut Up And Drive

Ugh, I'm not even going to talk about my eating. I'm putting every thing I worked so hard for to lose back on :( And no matter how much I feel guilty, no matter how many blogs, how much thinspo I look at, I just wont stop eating. It's killing me.


I usually pull myself out of this out of no where, something in my mind will just snap and all of a sudden I'm back to 100-150 calories a day. Really hope that'll be soon. But anyway all I can think about at the moment is getting a job and a car. My plan for driving lessons are sorted, as soon as I turn 18 (less than 5 months eeee!) I'm using the money my nan left me when she died and then some, on the lessons and the test, and I'm hoping to of course pass and by that time be in a job earning at least £500 a month in a 5-6 day a week job, where I'll be saving for a car and insurance, and have both by the end of the year?!. It's a shame I can plan out my future involving money and driving but not even make a single days plan on losing weight. GAH.


But the crazy pills (as I like to call them) are keeping me positive, I have my down days - a little today, but the fact that I can plan things for this year, be searching for a job, and actually keep my chin up? It's proof that I'm doing sooooo much better since my meltdown in October :)


Emma - Aww thank you so much! I wish I felt like it's gorgeous too! The more I look at the photo the more I dislike it :S And I have no doubt that you must be beautiful how you are anyway! :) x


"I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine, with a sunroof top and a gangster lean."


Posted at 17:08

Friday, 20 January 2012

Undercover Martyn

I thought I might as well say pretty much the same thing that I just posted on Facebook :) Which is that I'm going out tonight, definitely drinking, maybe getting high, but I'm not sure. I always blame not being sober on why I eat, but I cant keep doing that, the only person I'm disappointing is myself. Today I've had an apple and a cup of coffee, and that's ALL I'm having. :) See you soon LW! :D


This is me on December 6th 2011. I weighed 116lb. I have no idea what I weigh now, I'm too scared to look, I'm hoping no more than 117 or so. But I was still not satisfied at 116, so I wont be satisfied until I'm way below my LW I reached at the end of December: 111lb.

"And she spoke words that would melt in your hands. And she spoke words of wisdom." ;)

Posted at 11:25

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Party All Night

I cant seem to pull myself out of this D: I've been yoyo-ing so much it's driving me crazy! Some days I'll practically have my mouth zipped shut and then other days it becomes a vacuum and inhales everything it can find. I've not really been posting too often and haven't really done much on Facebook so I'm sorry for that.
I've been having fun though, I feel like I've actually had a social life for once the last few days. The negative side to it is that my social life consists of alcohol and drugs lately - leading me to think fuck it and just eat everything, and there's the hangover food aaaand the munchies from weed aaaaaaaaaaand the calories from alcohol. FUCK. But it's hard to care half as much when you're enjoying yourself, I had fun at Bluewater with SB and LG on Friday, and then that night LG and AB (An old romantic interest but always has been and still is one of my closest friends) came over and we had quite a bit to drink and had a laugh. Theeen on Saturday night AR and DB (From Christmas Eve) invited me out to a party in a field, so we partied there getting high and drunk around a massive fire with people, that was great :) And last night They invited me out again and we got sooooooooooooooooo high and drove around (naughty us) banging out tunes in the car ;) I need to calm down a bit. But ... not just yet ;D


Hope you're not too disappointed in me my darlings! I'm very disappointed with my eating, but the alcohol and drugs? Hey we're teenagers, we have to mess around with this stuff while we can :P Pretty sure there's still a percentage of weed in my system right now too... aha.


Emma - Oh my god how amazing would a cupcake like that be?! :) That's so sweet of you! And thank you for following me ^-^ Hope you're doing well! x


Stillimagining - Thank you! :) You always motivate me! :D I also hope that you're doing well too! x


"We like to sleep all day and party all night, this is how we like to live our life. I've got a feeling everything is gonna' be alright! So come on, come on, come on...let's party tonight."


Even though she has upsetting moments in this video, I would LOVE IT if my life was like this! :D


Posted at 13:25



Friday, 13 January 2012

Corner

So thanks to Emma from Emma - The Lonely Flower (a blog I adore) I now have a Facebook account for thinspiration and so on :) This can be for possibly progress photos, progress or other status updates, sharing support for each other, having conversations to share support or simply just chat :) I love the idea so I hope that you wonderful people like it too and add me :)


I'm assuming this link will work:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003393781155&sk=wall
If not the email is erin2106@hotmail.co.uk, the name is Erin Dyingtobethin and the profile picture is the same as on here :)


I'm feeling positive! Almost back to my LW, my sleep pattern's improving - for now, and today I'm going to Bluewater (pretty much the biggest shopping center in England conveniently a 45 minute drive from me) with LG and SB like old times! :) <3
I'll try for a bigger and better post the next time I have something more interesting to say!
Stay strong my beautiful people <3


"We have choices to make, we have promises that we can't break. There is nothing left to lose, so hold onto me, I'll hold onto you."


Posted at 08:53

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Under The Influence

I got told how insanely boney I am like a hundred times this morning. Liars. But it was the highlight of my week by far. Hell if it had been said in 2011 it would have been the highlight of my year.
Side note - never drinking wine again (another lie) Turns out that it gets me madly wasted within a very short amount of time, makes me a complete mess, say loads of stupid shit, practically pass out and then gives me an awful hangover the next day (now) ...Was a pretty good night though ;)


"Don't let play time ruin our day, don't let play time have his say."


Posted at 10:03

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Who You Are

stillimagining - Thank you so much for your support, I really need it right now x


I just binged. I had two bowls of cereal. And now I'm crying. I hate myself so much for it and I'm trying to make myself stop tonight, it's all I want. Two bowls probably isn't even that much but it feels like I've eaten the whole world. I cant tell the difference anymore. I hate this life, I hate it so much. I don't want to have this kind of relationship with food, I never did. But I'm never going to be able to change it.


"I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are

Who you are, who you are, who you are
Who you are, who you are, who you are
Who you are, who you are, who you are

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

But tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
There's nothing wrong with who you are

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows like boom
Just go and leave me alone
Real talk, real life, good luck, good night
With a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are
Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Posted at 22:06

Monday, 2 January 2012

Take A Bow

Erin. - Your comments always bring me some happiness :) It's nice to know that people can relate to me, we're not alone :) And thank you, I hope your friend gets better too and I hope things are going okay with you :) xx


I oddly feel like I have a lot to say..but it's all pointless aha. Once I get back into the habit of blogging I love it, it's like a diary I need to add to :) I'm feeling a little better right now. But I'm not sure why, still have the boy on my mind - not that he deserves to be, still feel fat, and still don't really have any reason to be happy. But fuck it, if I'm feeling okay, I'm not going to complain about it. It must be because I went back to my coffee,apple,coffee diet today without fail :) 

Something that reminds me of sadness though is when I look at the arm I cut up the other night. Dozens of deep, dark red lines everywhere...and it still hurts. When I was 13/14 or so I used to like my scars for some reason, I found them artistic and unique, and they resembled who I was and how I felt, and the fact that I had power over something. (very fucked up...wasn't on the crazy pills yet). I think I also liked having a secret to cover up, the arm warmers and the long sleeves to hide them gave me 'tasks' every day. But now I hate my cuts. HATE THEM. They're ugly, they resemble pain and weakness, and I hate having to cover them up, I already cover up the fact that I have pretty severe depression from everyone outside of my family other than LG and SB. And I have to hide my eating disorder from every single person (except for you beauties). I don't need another thing to hide. So I'm hoping that even at my darkest moments I won't do it again. Growth of some sort right?

On another subject, I'm actually OBSESSED with my darling Rihanna right now. I have like a million pictures of her on my computer, a small poster and a calender when I normally refuse to put up either of those kinds of things in my room xD, every single song of hers, I know loads about her including practically everything about her gorgeous 14 tattoos and soon I'm plastering little pictures of her on my wall :) Little bit weird but don't worry it's fine aha.
She's just incredible to me. She was my age when she first started becoming famous, she's so talented, strong, cheeky, loving, sexy, beautiful, sure of herself, stylish, and she's been through a lot. I adore the girl <3 Another thing I love about her is her size, she's not fat, she's not stick thin, she's perfect. And she's happy that way. I wish wish WISH that I could be happy like that and love myself. I cant eat more than 200 calories without feeling like a hippo. I hope that she never loses weight because I wouldn't want her to ever suffer the consequences of an eating disorder.

Who keeps me strong?
1. You darlings.
2. My darling Rihanna.
Thank you <3




That's my girl ;)

"How about a round of applause? A standing ovation? But you put on quite a show, really had me going. Now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing. That was quite a show, very entertaining. But it's over now, go on and take a bow."


Posted at 00:55 (Tuesday)