Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Skinny Genes

I barely post at all now in comparison to 2011, but it's mainly out of embarrassment and distractions. I don't know what I weigh because I haven't weighed myself in a long time. I haven't been able to improve my eating either, well not much, like when I've binged it's been cereal and stuff, which is obviously better than binging on chocolate and pot noodles, but I should be strong enough to not binge at all...or even eat. I did fantastically yesterday and the same today though :) And I've been going to the gym and am again tomorrow, so I'm going to weigh myself at the end of the week and hopefully I can change my stats to something lower. I feel very ashamed that it's taking me sooo long :/


I also haven't read anyone's blogs so I'm sorry for that, I follow so many that I don't know if I'll have time to read them all from where I left off so I'll start again from now :) I hope you're all doing well <3



"I really don't like your skinny jeans, so take them off for me. Show me what you've got underneath, so we can do this properly."

Posted at 18:50

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Hate That I Love You

I'm so stupidly insecure :/ I constantly have this horrible feeling that AB's going to lose interest in me any second :( And I don't know why, he's so affectionate and sweet, he makes me so happy and when I'm with him I constantly think 'Is it actually possible to love someone this much?' because I do, I love him, and I've known for a while now. I think my insecurity comes from how scared I am to lose him, I never open up to anyone the way I do with him, and I've known him for so long if I lost him as a boyfriend I'd lose him all together and that would kill me :/


It doesn't help that I keep bursting into tears whenever I'm alone this week -_- I hate being female *hint as to why I'm so emotional* Sorry to make this all about him, but I feel like I have to get these feelings out some how, and there's not much to say about my eating, other than this is and is going to be a tough week because I just want to eat everything from being emotional, and although I keep treating myself like a dog, I'm not binging as such, so I guess it could be worse...


I hope you're all doing well :) It's odd how much I feel like I need people that I've never met before, but you guys make me feel less alone and I love you for that...



"And I hate how much I love you boy, I can't stand how much I need you. And I hate how much I love you boy, but I just can't let you go, and I hate that I love you so. One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me, and your kiss won't make me weak. But no one in this world knows me the way you know me, so you'll probably always have a spell on me..."

Posted at 19:15

Monday, 26 March 2012

Shake It Out

Okay so I lied, I am starting the ABC Diet again. I really didn't want to but I've been so shit that when I looked at my progress all it said was


Day 1: FAILED
Day 2: FAILED
Day 3: FAILED
And so on...


So yeah now today is day one. I always take advantage of the 500 calorie days and have cereal for breakfast, which makes me feel incredibly guilty but it's all I've eaten and all I'm going to eat for the rest of today is fruit and vegetables :) I'm also super happy because my mum got me a 30 day free pass for her gym, so starting Thursday I can do hours of exercise almost every day! :D I think it'll benefit me a lot more than doing cardio in my cramped bedroom aha. So yeah, bye bye fat! Let's get me down to a size 6 (uk) for the party I'm going to in a month! :)



The outfit I'm planning on wearing to the party but with different kind of black heels and a long black pendant necklace ^-^ I'm looking forward to wearing a crop top without feeling disgusting!



Englishrose: I know they're so good! :) I saw them at the O2 last year, it was epic! I don't know if I'll ever tell him about having an ed to be honest :/ I just feel like he'd instantly try to stop me and make things too difficult. Good I'm glad you've got your motivation back! :) We'll both stay strong ^-^ Okay thank you :) My email's under the 'contact me' bit on my page :) x



"Tonight I'm gonna' bury that horse in the ground, 'cause I like to keep my issues drawn. It's always darkest before the dawn. Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out."

Posted at 15:29

Thursday, 22 March 2012

The Only Exception

"What have you eaten today?" ...I go silent. Due to the fact that I trust him more than anyone (besides LG) I've let myself tell him too much. He has no idea about my blog, about the fact that I have a real eating disorder, that I go insanely out of my way to lose weight, but he knows I feel disgusting, and that I try not to eat loads, so he worries. Fuck, why do I give away so much :/ At least I'm good at quick thinking though so I can think up a variety of food 'that I ate' on the spot.


As well as that in the past two days, while watching Black Swan he said "Eww look how skinny she is, that's just wrong" and when talking about my eating yesterday he hugged me and said "I don't want you getting all skinny!". This terrifies me, he's so great for wanting me the way I am (as mental as he is for that) but I'm scared he won't want me after I drop all of this weight. But as much as I care about him, I cant stop, it just doesn't work that way :/


On another note, I know it seems like I'm not updating me stats, but I genuinely have been stuck on this weight for so long now. It's either due to my scale getting it wrong for the first time ever, or the fact that I keep doing well all day every day, and then binging my ass off at night on anything and everything I can find :/ But I know I'm getting stronger, I'm feeling so much more will full to do perfectly, and am learning my old techniques to control my hunger. I'm not going to start the ABC diet over, because it just sets me up to fail and pushes back the day of reaching my GW even more, so I'm just going to push through and get better :)


Englishrose: I guess you were right :/ I wish I could feel the same way about my weight as he does! And thanks, you too ^-^ Except for bbm as I don't have a Blackberry aha :) x

"Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts, and we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face. And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness, because none of it was ever worth the risk, but you are the only exception."

Posted at 21:44

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Lego House

There was a time not too long ago where the thought of going on the ABC Diet without taking off at least 200 calories for each day seemed impossible, like I couldn't possibly eat that much. But now I feel like it's the only thing to sort myself out :/ so today is day one of the diet. I'll try my absolute hardest to do you guys proud :)


On another subject, I have a boyfriend :) I'm like in shock :L I haven't had a boyfriend since 2010 so this is insane for me. The guy is AB, my very close friend who I've always liked and has always liked me back, we started seeing each other about a month and a half ago and two days ago we officially got together ^-^ hehe. It's made me ten times more motivated to lose this weight, I want to be the stick figure he can wrap his arms right round and lift up, I want him to be proud to call me his girlfriend :) 


Englishrose: I like the way you put that :) 'the last beginning' seems like a perfect way to describe it :) Thanks for following and for the support ^-^ x




"My three words have two meanings, there's one thing on my mind, it's all for you. And it's dark in a cold December but I've got you to keep me warm. And if you're broken I will mend you and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now.
I'm out of touch, I'm out of love, I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind, I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now."

Posted at 09:43

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Fast Forward To 2012

Here I am again. I'm really sorry for not being here for so long, and sorry for not even being here to read your blogs. I just gave up completely, food once again became my comfort and I had no power. Every time I tried to start over I gave in because I just didn't care enough. But now I do, and I wont let you down again, and I'll be here to read your beautiful blogs. I know that my blog doesn't make much difference for people, I have little followers and it's not the most exciting blog, but I love you all, including my new follower, for taking interest anyway <3

The part I'm dreading telling you, I've wanted to do a post for a while now, but didn't want to update my new weight, because it's gone from a respectable 111lb...to 123.6lb
That's right. Since Christmas, I've put on 12.6lb.

D
I
S
G
U
S
T
I
N
G

But today I've had a cup of coffee, and just put my dinner in the bin, I've also done a lot of walking, and once again find myself addicted to thinspo and constantly thinking about weight loss. This is my third fucking time trying to get to my UGW, but they say third time's a charm, and I won't give up again. I'm going to show everyone. And I'm going to be here to support you all <3

"We welcome you to the second chapter, thanks for turning the other page. We acknowledge you as the only reason for the progress that we've made."

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Howl

I go to the cinema in Bluewater with my mum today and then we look around the shops. As I walk I feel my thighs brush past each other, only a few pounds away from being glued together, I feel my butt wobble and ripple so much that it might as well be filled with water, I feel my stomach and my hips poking out of the leggings digging into my fat sides and front, I feel my bra that was once too big for me digging into me under my arms, and I feel my chin roll into two parts when I put my head down. I feel the chocolate bar I ate today in those brushing movements, the full pasta dinner I had last night in those ripples, the countless bowls of cereal in my sides, the crisps I binge on under my arms, and the biscuits I scoff down under my chin.


As I come across a style of shorts I've wanted for a while now, check the size and feel delighted to find that they're the size I wanted to see on the tag, I rush to try them on....But I'm soon standing there staring at the person in the mirror. Glaring at the flesh bursting out of the fabric, the zip barely lifted and the buttons miles apart. As I continue to stare at the disgusting person I no longer recognise, I peel off the shorts made for a beautiful thin woman, and let a tear roll down my cheek.


I feel ashamed. I feel disgusted. I feel pathetic. I feel fat.


Fat.
Fat.
FAT.


"If only you could see the beast you've made of me, I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free."


Posted at 17:39

Monday, 30 January 2012

The Anthem

Today has been my first good day with my eating in so long :) *snap* ... here that? ;) Anyway it's made me in a good mood. It's bad though that I told myself I wouldn't blog until I could be proud of my eating, so I've been too ashamed for too long. But I'm okay now ^-^ Sorry to have been letting you down!


I've been loading up the things in my mind I want to talk about, most of it's totally pointless, but like I've mentioned before, I feel like this is a kind of journal, and I like to talk about whatever pops into my head, or whatever I list haha :) But I'll save some for my next post, I see this one dragging as it is. One of these is that - to refer to my darling Rihanna - I've gone all 'Rated R' with my style, when her look went from good, cute girl, to grown up, dark, sexy, somewhat shocking, and unique :) So similar to this I've decided to ditch wearing the cute stuff, and be...well, not so much shocking, but unique, yeah unique :) I've never managed to find a balance with my style, I was either super emo, looked like a boy, slutty looking, or cutesy girly girl so I'm finding the balance and my look now, what I'm going for is not so much looking gothic, I'm way over that, but more adventurous, fun, but with enough girlyness to not look like a boy OR a 5 year old girl, and look sexy without looking slutty. It wont be easy, but it'll be a challenge at least, haha!


Another reason for my not blogging in a while is that I've gotten myself wrapped up in something else on the computer. A dating simulation game. Yep, I realise that I'm going to be 18 this year, a certified adult, and I realise how insanely lame it is to enjoy such soppy games at my age, but what can I say, you like what you like right? :) The game I've become addicted to is an anime-style drawn, Japanese game called 'Katawa Shoujo'. I have absolutely no idea what the name means, but the game has a twist, it's not your typical boy meets handful of girls in a school, picks and falls in love, it's about a boy with a heart condition, who transfers in his last year to a high school specially for disabled teenagers, where he meets 5 disabled girls (this sounds kind of sick or twisted, but it's not how it sounds, it's actually a really heart touching and sweet game) There's something about it that I find incredible, and is making me begin to have a real interest in disabled people, how they deal with it, how it effects their lives, it's pretty amazing :) Another thing I like about it is the fact that the characters are pretty much my age, and the fairly awkward 'first time' style or occasionally romantic - although slightly more physically graphic than I first thought sex scenes make me feel less childish playing a dating sim haha :)


I'd love to make my own dating simulation game, in fact I'm practically already starting the character designs on Macromedia Flash for what I imagine the characters to be like :) Considering I love being creative I see it as a good use of my time :) Of course if I ever finished it I'd never share it though - the reasons being that I'd be too embarrased, it'd probably be terribly made, and come to think of it I don't even know how to make it into a functioning online thing, I only know how to put it together and make it work on flash.


BUT ANYWAY, all I've done is ramble about my style and bloody game! Why do I choose to bore you poor people. Hope your lives are more interesting than mine, and that I've not taken away too much time that you'll never get back by you reading this ;) Love you guys!


From left to right...Lilly: blind, Hanako: burn victim and severe social issues, Rin: no arms, Shizune: deaf & Emi: no legs. Emi is my favourite so far :) But I also love Hanako. WHY AM I SO LAME?!

Emma - Yeah it's probably the same for all people who struggle with eating :/ But you do so well I'm so proud of you! ^-^ Thanks for the support :) x

"Do you ever wanna' be like them? Do you really wanna' be another trend? Do you wanna' be part of the crowd? 'Cause I don't ever wanna', I don't ever wanna' be you, don't wanna' be just like you."


Posted at 22:55

Monday, 23 January 2012

Shut Up And Drive

Ugh, I'm not even going to talk about my eating. I'm putting every thing I worked so hard for to lose back on :( And no matter how much I feel guilty, no matter how many blogs, how much thinspo I look at, I just wont stop eating. It's killing me.


I usually pull myself out of this out of no where, something in my mind will just snap and all of a sudden I'm back to 100-150 calories a day. Really hope that'll be soon. But anyway all I can think about at the moment is getting a job and a car. My plan for driving lessons are sorted, as soon as I turn 18 (less than 5 months eeee!) I'm using the money my nan left me when she died and then some, on the lessons and the test, and I'm hoping to of course pass and by that time be in a job earning at least £500 a month in a 5-6 day a week job, where I'll be saving for a car and insurance, and have both by the end of the year?!. It's a shame I can plan out my future involving money and driving but not even make a single days plan on losing weight. GAH.


But the crazy pills (as I like to call them) are keeping me positive, I have my down days - a little today, but the fact that I can plan things for this year, be searching for a job, and actually keep my chin up? It's proof that I'm doing sooooo much better since my meltdown in October :)


Emma - Aww thank you so much! I wish I felt like it's gorgeous too! The more I look at the photo the more I dislike it :S And I have no doubt that you must be beautiful how you are anyway! :) x


"I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine, with a sunroof top and a gangster lean."


Posted at 17:08

Friday, 20 January 2012

Undercover Martyn

I thought I might as well say pretty much the same thing that I just posted on Facebook :) Which is that I'm going out tonight, definitely drinking, maybe getting high, but I'm not sure. I always blame not being sober on why I eat, but I cant keep doing that, the only person I'm disappointing is myself. Today I've had an apple and a cup of coffee, and that's ALL I'm having. :) See you soon LW! :D


This is me on December 6th 2011. I weighed 116lb. I have no idea what I weigh now, I'm too scared to look, I'm hoping no more than 117 or so. But I was still not satisfied at 116, so I wont be satisfied until I'm way below my LW I reached at the end of December: 111lb.

"And she spoke words that would melt in your hands. And she spoke words of wisdom." ;)

Posted at 11:25

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Party All Night

I cant seem to pull myself out of this D: I've been yoyo-ing so much it's driving me crazy! Some days I'll practically have my mouth zipped shut and then other days it becomes a vacuum and inhales everything it can find. I've not really been posting too often and haven't really done much on Facebook so I'm sorry for that.
I've been having fun though, I feel like I've actually had a social life for once the last few days. The negative side to it is that my social life consists of alcohol and drugs lately - leading me to think fuck it and just eat everything, and there's the hangover food aaaand the munchies from weed aaaaaaaaaaand the calories from alcohol. FUCK. But it's hard to care half as much when you're enjoying yourself, I had fun at Bluewater with SB and LG on Friday, and then that night LG and AB (An old romantic interest but always has been and still is one of my closest friends) came over and we had quite a bit to drink and had a laugh. Theeen on Saturday night AR and DB (From Christmas Eve) invited me out to a party in a field, so we partied there getting high and drunk around a massive fire with people, that was great :) And last night They invited me out again and we got sooooooooooooooooo high and drove around (naughty us) banging out tunes in the car ;) I need to calm down a bit. But ... not just yet ;D


Hope you're not too disappointed in me my darlings! I'm very disappointed with my eating, but the alcohol and drugs? Hey we're teenagers, we have to mess around with this stuff while we can :P Pretty sure there's still a percentage of weed in my system right now too... aha.


Emma - Oh my god how amazing would a cupcake like that be?! :) That's so sweet of you! And thank you for following me ^-^ Hope you're doing well! x


Stillimagining - Thank you! :) You always motivate me! :D I also hope that you're doing well too! x


"We like to sleep all day and party all night, this is how we like to live our life. I've got a feeling everything is gonna' be alright! So come on, come on, come on...let's party tonight."


Even though she has upsetting moments in this video, I would LOVE IT if my life was like this! :D


Posted at 13:25



Friday, 13 January 2012

Corner

So thanks to Emma from Emma - The Lonely Flower (a blog I adore) I now have a Facebook account for thinspiration and so on :) This can be for possibly progress photos, progress or other status updates, sharing support for each other, having conversations to share support or simply just chat :) I love the idea so I hope that you wonderful people like it too and add me :)


I'm assuming this link will work:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003393781155&sk=wall
If not the email is erin2106@hotmail.co.uk, the name is Erin Dyingtobethin and the profile picture is the same as on here :)


I'm feeling positive! Almost back to my LW, my sleep pattern's improving - for now, and today I'm going to Bluewater (pretty much the biggest shopping center in England conveniently a 45 minute drive from me) with LG and SB like old times! :) <3
I'll try for a bigger and better post the next time I have something more interesting to say!
Stay strong my beautiful people <3


"We have choices to make, we have promises that we can't break. There is nothing left to lose, so hold onto me, I'll hold onto you."


Posted at 08:53

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Under The Influence

I got told how insanely boney I am like a hundred times this morning. Liars. But it was the highlight of my week by far. Hell if it had been said in 2011 it would have been the highlight of my year.
Side note - never drinking wine again (another lie) Turns out that it gets me madly wasted within a very short amount of time, makes me a complete mess, say loads of stupid shit, practically pass out and then gives me an awful hangover the next day (now) ...Was a pretty good night though ;)


"Don't let play time ruin our day, don't let play time have his say."


Posted at 10:03

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Who You Are

stillimagining - Thank you so much for your support, I really need it right now x


I just binged. I had two bowls of cereal. And now I'm crying. I hate myself so much for it and I'm trying to make myself stop tonight, it's all I want. Two bowls probably isn't even that much but it feels like I've eaten the whole world. I cant tell the difference anymore. I hate this life, I hate it so much. I don't want to have this kind of relationship with food, I never did. But I'm never going to be able to change it.


"I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are

Who you are, who you are, who you are
Who you are, who you are, who you are
Who you are, who you are, who you are

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

But tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
There's nothing wrong with who you are

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows like boom
Just go and leave me alone
Real talk, real life, good luck, good night
With a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are
Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Posted at 22:06

Monday, 2 January 2012

Take A Bow

Erin. - Your comments always bring me some happiness :) It's nice to know that people can relate to me, we're not alone :) And thank you, I hope your friend gets better too and I hope things are going okay with you :) xx


I oddly feel like I have a lot to say..but it's all pointless aha. Once I get back into the habit of blogging I love it, it's like a diary I need to add to :) I'm feeling a little better right now. But I'm not sure why, still have the boy on my mind - not that he deserves to be, still feel fat, and still don't really have any reason to be happy. But fuck it, if I'm feeling okay, I'm not going to complain about it. It must be because I went back to my coffee,apple,coffee diet today without fail :) 

Something that reminds me of sadness though is when I look at the arm I cut up the other night. Dozens of deep, dark red lines everywhere...and it still hurts. When I was 13/14 or so I used to like my scars for some reason, I found them artistic and unique, and they resembled who I was and how I felt, and the fact that I had power over something. (very fucked up...wasn't on the crazy pills yet). I think I also liked having a secret to cover up, the arm warmers and the long sleeves to hide them gave me 'tasks' every day. But now I hate my cuts. HATE THEM. They're ugly, they resemble pain and weakness, and I hate having to cover them up, I already cover up the fact that I have pretty severe depression from everyone outside of my family other than LG and SB. And I have to hide my eating disorder from every single person (except for you beauties). I don't need another thing to hide. So I'm hoping that even at my darkest moments I won't do it again. Growth of some sort right?

On another subject, I'm actually OBSESSED with my darling Rihanna right now. I have like a million pictures of her on my computer, a small poster and a calender when I normally refuse to put up either of those kinds of things in my room xD, every single song of hers, I know loads about her including practically everything about her gorgeous 14 tattoos and soon I'm plastering little pictures of her on my wall :) Little bit weird but don't worry it's fine aha.
She's just incredible to me. She was my age when she first started becoming famous, she's so talented, strong, cheeky, loving, sexy, beautiful, sure of herself, stylish, and she's been through a lot. I adore the girl <3 Another thing I love about her is her size, she's not fat, she's not stick thin, she's perfect. And she's happy that way. I wish wish WISH that I could be happy like that and love myself. I cant eat more than 200 calories without feeling like a hippo. I hope that she never loses weight because I wouldn't want her to ever suffer the consequences of an eating disorder.

Who keeps me strong?
1. You darlings.
2. My darling Rihanna.
Thank you <3




That's my girl ;)

"How about a round of applause? A standing ovation? But you put on quite a show, really had me going. Now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing. That was quite a show, very entertaining. But it's over now, go on and take a bow."


Posted at 00:55 (Tuesday)