Sunday, 18 December 2011

We Found Love

So, LG. Anyone who's read a few previous posts knows who he is, my friend since I was 13 and my best friend since I was 14. The guy who up until recently was just like my brother, and always was and still is the best guy I've ever known. He's still all of these things (minus the brother part), but since about September I've been having feelings for him. I've tried to tell myself it's just confusing my feelings, a phase, it'll go away, but I just feel more strongly about him every day :(

He hasn't said anything about it since I told him in no more words than "I like you" when I was wasted a few weeks back. Not a single word, he just carried on as normal, so all I could assume was that he doesn't feel that way about me at all and doesn't want it to be awkward, which I totally get, I would never have told him sober. So I've left it and been normal too. But on Friday night when I sat alone upstairs and he came up, he spent the rest of the night with me. I kept telling him to go downstairs because he's missing out and I feel bad and he said that he didn't care he wanted to be with me, which is very sweet, but he's always been that way. We watched funny shows and talked, eventually we were cuddling up like a couple on my bed (still not particularly anything new, he's always been cuddly etc.) but I could feel his heart beating really fast with my head on his chest, and he was hugging me so tight. I got up to go to the bathroom and came back and got under the covers (wasn't a move, I was freezing) and he got under with me, we cuddled more and when we talked we were about a cm away from each others faces, looking each other in the eyes and briefly looking down at each others lips. This wasn't normal anymore. I was getting so confused. At one point he said something playfully mean and I turned away from him playfully too. He was like "noooo" in a cute voice and spooned me, he put his arms tight around my waist and nuzzled his head between my neck and shoulder. This may be the happiest moment I've had all year. We stayed like that for ages and had funny conversations, these some how led to him lightly biting me on the shoulder, and then my neck (doesn't help that this is a major turn on spot for me) but luckily it tickled so we just giggled a lot. I turned around and we cuddled facing each other again. But carried on messing around and were tickling each other a lot. We've never done this before, this wasn't friendly, it was flirty as hell. I was blissfully happy, but this was as far as it went. He eventually had to go, as much as I wanted him to stay so I could wake up cuddling him. But I didn't care, I didn't need anything to happen. It just made me happy to have the butterfly feeling with him.

So yeah he single handedly turned a disaster night into an incredible night. And yesterday he begged me to come Christmas shopping with him, I looked a mess and was exhausted but I gave in a got myself looking the best I could. I was so happy to see him but it felt a little awkward. Once again we didn't talk about it, we went back to normal AGAIN. But we cant blame it on anything, he was only tipsy, and I was only a little drunk - I got much more drunk once he left. He slowly got in a bad mood though, he always says playfully mean things and says he's sorry and laughs and it's all in good fun. But it started going to far and he just started being a bit of an ass. He was going to come to mine or the other way around after shopping but he didn't want to any more and said he was tired. Yeah sure. I tried to find out why he was being an ass and being in such a bad mood. But I'd given up after how much he hurt me with this... I bought some chocolate and told him how guilty I felt (no one knows about my ED, but he worries, and tells me to eat unhealthy stuff some times and to stop worrying. But he knows I don't ever normally eat unhealthy stuff and he knows I'm really sensitive about it) but I said "I shouldn't be eating this I feel really bad" and he said "Yeah you shouldn't you should be ashamed of yourself and you should definitely go for a run when you get home." Yes it was a joke. Yes it wouldn't upset a normal person. But it hurt so much, I was shocked. And he laughed and tried to hug me - still not saying sorry and I shrugged it off eventually but I was sooo upset by it. He'd never said anything so hurtful. All I can assume from yesterday was one of a couple of things, he regrets Friday night, and doesn't want me to think of it as anything so he's being a dick to me. Or he's feeling a certain way about me and doesn't know how to handle it. I'm almost certain on the first one. But if you're going to be an asshole, why beg me to see you?!

Ugh I hate guys. I'm done with my huge posts now. I just had to get all of this out and have no one to talk to! WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT HIM!

I had a dream like this last night with him kissing me (except my hair's blonde and his is light brown) ...I woke up miserable. Fuck love right?

"It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny. But I've gotta' let it go. We found love in a hopeless place."

Posted at 12:37

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