Saturday, 31 December 2011

Happy Fucking New Year

Even though there's a very small amount of people who read this, I still feel bad for not posting in a while. A lot has changed since my last post. I struggled so much with food since Christmas day to two days ago. I don't want to know how much I weigh :( I'm just going to stay strong and look a while from now and hope it's back to where it was.
Everything with LG died down. I haven't seen him in ages, and I've realised it must have been a phase when I liked him, which sounds incredibly childish but it went away very quickly. Which is a good thing. There's a group of friends that I used to hang out with last year, when we went to school together, practically all guys, and all a year older than me. They're so much fun but we've drifted apart and I never see them now. But on Christmas Eve an old friend, AR asked me if I wanted to do something, and we got together with DB and ..let's call him 'the boy' (an old 'crush') and got a bit drunk at AR's house. Confused by the initials yet? By the time we left it was officially Christmas, and I thought it was the best way I'd ever started Christmas. We then went to the boy's house (on the same street as me) and they got a tiny bit more drunk...while I got quite wasted. It was a laugh and once AR had to leave, the boy and I were alone and watched films together. We ended up cuddled up as we fell asleep for a little while, but nothing happened. I left at 7:30am. The day then was brilliant with my family. The best Christmas in a long time.
...So that was the positive, I went to my dad's after and had fun. So Christmas? Good.


Now. Now is not good. Now is a big fat fucking slap in the face. I talked to the boy quite a lot on Facebook after that, and we text each other quite a bit. I was starting to really like him, but was trying not to get my hopes up at the same time...which didn't last long. And on the 28th he told me he was ill and I said I'd 'bring him ice cream' the next day. Which turned into me literally bringing him ice cream on that 29th night and I didn't end up leaving. We watched horror films and had a laugh with his family now and again. We turned off the films about 5am and layed talking and having a laugh. I woke up at what must have been about 7am and he was spooning me. I turned over and we remained cuddled up. He then got closer and closer to me until he was doing a cute little rubbing his nose lightly against mine action until he kissed me. We spend the next hour or so cuddled up and kissing. I couldn't believe that I was kissing him, after all this time. I was insanely happy when I walked home that morning. And was certain that there was something between us now, I mean, why wouldn't you after that? But oh was I so very wrong.
Last night his ex, who it turns out is fucking crazy, started talking to me out of nowhere on Facebook. Telling me to stay away and generally just being very odd and trying to start an argument. I then text the boy telling him and he came on Facebook. And this...is what he said...


"hey. sorry she seems to think we had sex. not totally sure why... but if im honest i do have something to say, about last night. i think you may have got the wrong impression and im sorry. i dont know why i did it because i dont have those kinds of feelings towards you. i just wasn't thinking straight and im sorry if i led you on. i feel bad and i shouldn't have done it."


TOP.
QUALITY.
WANKER.

I've been so hurt since then. I haven't said anything to him, I don't know what the hell to say. I'm acting fine with all of our friends who know that we kissed, which isn't easy when I'm so humiliated. I'm so angry with him but I WILL NOT show it, I wont be the desperate crazy girl that turns on him. I'm just going to act like he was nothing special and I don't give a shit. But, I've started cutting myself again. After about 2 years of stopping, I've started again. Because as it turns out...I'm not better. I just thought I was because nothing was going wrong to make me upset that I was recovering, but now that something has, All I keep thinking is "WHEN WILL THE UNIVERSE GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK AND GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT?!" So instead of overdosing and everyone knowing about my pain. All I can think to do is secretly cut myself. I feel pathetic :(

And now tonight I'll be sitting here alone. So as mentioned. Happy fucking new year. I doubt this will get read, it's damn long. But thank you to anyone that does <3 this is my real therapy.

Posted at 16:54

1 comment:

  1. Erin, i feel for you. . it's really not nice being messed about by a guy like that. . although i don't really know you, when i read your blog it feels like everything you say, i know your exact feelings and how the situation's going for you (not the exact situation, but allong the lines of it). . my friend's going through the exact same thing at the moment, i hate seeing her like the way she is and i hate seeing you like this. . i hope your ok and things will get better. . head up! :)
    xx

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