Saturday, 31 December 2011

Happy Fucking New Year

Even though there's a very small amount of people who read this, I still feel bad for not posting in a while. A lot has changed since my last post. I struggled so much with food since Christmas day to two days ago. I don't want to know how much I weigh :( I'm just going to stay strong and look a while from now and hope it's back to where it was.
Everything with LG died down. I haven't seen him in ages, and I've realised it must have been a phase when I liked him, which sounds incredibly childish but it went away very quickly. Which is a good thing. There's a group of friends that I used to hang out with last year, when we went to school together, practically all guys, and all a year older than me. They're so much fun but we've drifted apart and I never see them now. But on Christmas Eve an old friend, AR asked me if I wanted to do something, and we got together with DB and ..let's call him 'the boy' (an old 'crush') and got a bit drunk at AR's house. Confused by the initials yet? By the time we left it was officially Christmas, and I thought it was the best way I'd ever started Christmas. We then went to the boy's house (on the same street as me) and they got a tiny bit more drunk...while I got quite wasted. It was a laugh and once AR had to leave, the boy and I were alone and watched films together. We ended up cuddled up as we fell asleep for a little while, but nothing happened. I left at 7:30am. The day then was brilliant with my family. The best Christmas in a long time.
...So that was the positive, I went to my dad's after and had fun. So Christmas? Good.

Now. Now is not good. Now is a big fat fucking slap in the face. I talked to the boy quite a lot on Facebook after that, and we text each other quite a bit. I was starting to really like him, but was trying not to get my hopes up at the same time...which didn't last long. And on the 28th he told me he was ill and I said I'd 'bring him ice cream' the next day. Which turned into me literally bringing him ice cream on that 29th night and I didn't end up leaving. We watched horror films and had a laugh with his family now and again. We turned off the films about 5am and layed talking and having a laugh. I woke up at what must have been about 7am and he was spooning me. I turned over and we remained cuddled up. He then got closer and closer to me until he was doing a cute little rubbing his nose lightly against mine action until he kissed me. We spend the next hour or so cuddled up and kissing. I couldn't believe that I was kissing him, after all this time. I was insanely happy when I walked home that morning. And was certain that there was something between us now, I mean, why wouldn't you after that? But oh was I so very wrong.
Last night his ex, who it turns out is fucking crazy, started talking to me out of nowhere on Facebook. Telling me to stay away and generally just being very odd and trying to start an argument. I then text the boy telling him and he came on Facebook. And what he said...

"hey. sorry she seems to think we had sex. not totally sure why... but if im honest i do have something to say, about last night. i think you may have got the wrong impression and im sorry. i dont know why i did it because i dont have those kinds of feelings towards you. i just wasn't thinking straight and im sorry if i led you on. i feel bad and i shouldn't have done it."


I've been so hurt since then. I haven't said anything to him, I don't know what the hell to say. I'm acting fine with all of our friends who know that we kissed, which isn't easy when I'm so humiliated. I'm so angry with him but I WILL NOT show it, I wont be the desperate crazy girl that turns on him. I'm just going to act like he was nothing special and I don't give a shit. But, I've started cutting myself again. After about 2 years of stopping, I've started again. Because as it turns out...I'm not better. I just thought I was because nothing was going wrong to make me upset that I was recovering, but now that something has, All I keep thinking is "WHEN WILL THE UNIVERSE GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK AND GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT?!" So instead of overdosing and everyone knowing about my pain. All I can think to do is secretly cut myself. I feel pathetic :(

And now tonight I'll be sitting here alone. So as mentioned. Happy fucking new year. I doubt this will get read, it's damn long. But thank you to anyone that does <3 this is my real therapy.

Posted at 16:54

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Friday, 23 December 2011

Fairytale Of New York

So I became ill on Monday, cold or flu or something but it's killing me D: and all I've done to deal with it is be miserable, whiny and eat a lot :/ I haven't weighed myself recently but I did on Tuesday or Wednesday and I'd put on a lot of what I hope was food weight :/ And for days I'd been saying okay I'm starting over today, no more messing up...but given in. But as of yesterday I'm DEFINITELY back to normal :)
Breakfast? Coffee.
Lunch? Apple.
Dinner? Coffee.
There's no way I'm changing my stats, because I'm damn well going to be back there with in a matter of days :)

Happy Christmas Eve Eve!

"And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day."

Posted at 13:29

Sunday, 18 December 2011

We Found Love

So, LG. Anyone who's read a few previous posts knows who he is, my friend since I was 13 and my best friend since I was 14. The guy who up until recently was just like my brother, and always was and still is the best guy I've ever known. He's still all of these things (minus the brother part), but since about September I've been having feelings for him. I've tried to tell myself it's just confusing my feelings, a phase, it'll go away, but I just feel more strongly about him every day :(

He hasn't said anything about it since I told him in no more words than "I like you" when I was wasted a few weeks back. Not a single word, he just carried on as normal, so all I could assume was that he doesn't feel that way about me at all and doesn't want it to be awkward, which I totally get, I would never have told him sober. So I've left it and been normal too. But on Friday night when I sat alone upstairs and he came up, he spent the rest of the night with me. I kept telling him to go downstairs because he's missing out and I feel bad and he said that he didn't care he wanted to be with me, which is very sweet, but he's always been that way. We watched funny shows and talked, eventually we were cuddling up like a couple on my bed (still not particularly anything new, he's always been cuddly etc.) but I could feel his heart beating really fast with my head on his chest, and he was hugging me so tight. I got up to go to the bathroom and came back and got under the covers (wasn't a move, I was freezing) and he got under with me, we cuddled more and when we talked we were about a cm away from each others faces, looking each other in the eyes and briefly looking down at each others lips. This wasn't normal anymore. I was getting so confused. At one point he said something playfully mean and I turned away from him playfully too. He was like "noooo" in a cute voice and spooned me, he put his arms tight around my waist and nuzzled his head between my neck and shoulder. This may be the happiest moment I've had all year. We stayed like that for ages and had funny conversations, these some how led to him lightly biting me on the shoulder, and then my neck (doesn't help that this is a major turn on spot for me) but luckily it tickled so we just giggled a lot. I turned around and we cuddled facing each other again. But carried on messing around and were tickling each other a lot. We've never done this before, this wasn't friendly, it was flirty as hell. I was blissfully happy, but this was as far as it went. He eventually had to go, as much as I wanted him to stay so I could wake up cuddling him. But I didn't care, I didn't need anything to happen. It just made me happy to have the butterfly feeling with him.

So yeah he single handedly turned a disaster night into an incredible night. And yesterday he begged me to come Christmas shopping with him, I looked a mess and was exhausted but I gave in a got myself looking the best I could. I was so happy to see him but it felt a little awkward. Once again we didn't talk about it, we went back to normal AGAIN. But we cant blame it on anything, he was only tipsy, and I was only a little drunk - I got much more drunk once he left. He slowly got in a bad mood though, he always says playfully mean things and says he's sorry and laughs and it's all in good fun. But it started going to far and he just started being a bit of an ass. He was going to come to mine or the other way around after shopping but he didn't want to any more and said he was tired. Yeah sure. I tried to find out why he was being an ass and being in such a bad mood. But I'd given up after how much he hurt me with this... I bought some chocolate and told him how guilty I felt (no one knows about my ED, but he worries, and tells me to eat unhealthy stuff some times and to stop worrying. But he knows I don't ever normally eat unhealthy stuff and he knows I'm really sensitive about it) but I said "I shouldn't be eating this I feel really bad" and he said "Yeah you shouldn't you should be ashamed of yourself and you should definitely go for a run when you get home." Yes it was a joke. Yes it wouldn't upset a normal person. But it hurt so much, I was shocked. And he laughed and tried to hug me - still not saying sorry and I shrugged it off eventually but I was sooo upset by it. He'd never said anything so hurtful. All I can assume from yesterday was one of a couple of things, he regrets Friday night, and doesn't want me to think of it as anything so he's being a dick to me. Or he's feeling a certain way about me and doesn't know how to handle it. I'm almost certain on the first one. But if you're going to be an asshole, why beg me to see you?!

Ugh I hate guys. I'm done with my huge posts now. I just had to get all of this out and have no one to talk to! WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT HIM!

I had a dream like this last night with him kissing me (except my hair's blonde and his is light brown) ...I woke up miserable. Fuck love right?

"It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny. But I've gotta' let it go. We found love in a hopeless place."

Posted at 12:37

Natural Disaster

Asodja: Thank you I'm glad you like it! :) I use 'Adobe Flash 8' which you have to buy but I got someone to illegally download it for me a few years ago (hehe) But if you just practice making simple things you'll get used to the tools and techniques :) I saved the first thing I ever made and it looked terrible when I looked at it on Friday! haha! So it might take a while but good luck! :)
Stillimagining: Thank you! It was certainly...interesting haha

So yeah...prettttttttyyyyyy sure I jinxed it. Of course, as hard as I tried, I didn't stick to fasting. I technically did all day, all I had was water and then the alcohol, but it got to 1am and I was wasted and I decided to eat a packet of 5 thin slices of ham...ham?! Why?! And since then it's all gone down hill, I had an energy drink ironically called Recovery to wake me up after my three hours of sleep and so much chocolate yesterday. *Sigh*

Now the party. The god damn party. The positives at the start were that I got told I looked beautiful by AB (an old fling but still a great friend), and until about 10pm I had a blast. We took funny pictures, we were all getting drunk and dancing, playing drinking games and I was really enjoying it. But it really started getting out of hand. The bastards started PLAYING WITH STEAK KNIVES! taking all of our things in the house and hiding them in places I couldn't get to them, they broke a door, spilt like a million drinks, got wet mud everywhere, someone peed all over the bathroom!!! a couple I trusted had sex in my toilet, people slept in my mums room when no one was allowed in there, some one went through my drawers (almost found my meds!!) they made the house look like I'd be robbed and were talking to me like dicks. I. had. enough. I gave in after trying and silently went upstairs to my room, closed the door and watched TV while drinking. I was so upset. The beautiful SB was the first to check on me, I love her. She was so wasted but still was desperate to make things okay and be there for me, she had a long talk with me and went downstairs and tried to get everyone in line (didn't work as I thought) and kept everyone but LG out of my room. So from about 10pm or so I stayed in my room until I went to sleep at about 3am. But that was pretty much the best part of it. (more soon).

When I got up a few friends like MS, LE and AR (surprisingly all guys) had attempted to clean up a little, and I showed my appreciation but then nicely said to everyone to get the fuck out. Where I then spent the next 3 hours trying to clean. Thank god my mum was in a good mood and thank god I'm pretty good at fixing these things. WHAT A DISASTER. NEVER AGAIN .... probably.

I want to talk about LG but this is a huge post already so I'm going to split it. I can't believe how much I've got to say! Haha. And I haven't weighed myself, after the weight from drinking, the ham and the chocolate I'm terrified to. But I did look in the mirror and for some reason, my thighs don't touch any more. I cried with happiness.

"We should be happy ever after, happiness and laughter. What a natural disaster."

Posted at 12:03

Friday, 16 December 2011

All About Tonight

What I hope to look like at my party tonight :) ...
(Except not thin and with much smaller boobs xD)
(Oh and my hair is up not short :))

"Yeah the night is alive you can feel the heartbeat, let's just go with the flow, we've been working all week. Tomorrow doesn't matter when you're moving your feet. It's all about tonight."

Posted at 15:59

Beautiful Day

I don't want to jinx anything but things are so amazing today! :D First of all, I have a new follower, and I'd like to say welcome! :) Looks like I'm getting followers every few months aha *sigh* it'd be so nice to have tons. Second of all, I'm soooooo freakin' close to my second GW! :D and third of all, I'm having a party at my house tonight! :D WOO.

Today's a fasting day, which I'm going to completely stick to but of course I will be drinking tonight, but if I don't eat fuck it, it still counts xD I'm so excited! in less than nine hours I can be dressed up, playing loud music, drinking my ass off, dancing, chatting, laughing and playing lots of drinking games! :D I hope it goes well! At the moment the worst I'm thinking could happen is 1. the christmas tree being knocked over (tree destroyed, water everywhere) 2. someone throwing up anywhere other than a sink or toilet 3. some massive argument or accident happening 4. some big uncontrollable thing fucking up like a power cut or the snow settling! (no way of people getting here)

BUT. POSITIVE THOUGHTS. Ahhh! I love parties and I love LG at parties (this time I WILL NOT tell him more about my damn feelings) when he gets completely fucked up hehe. BRING ON THE WEEKEND BITCHES!

"It's a beautiful day! Don't let it get away!"

Posted at 10:11

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

The Other Side

I can't actually believe my current weight is my new lowest weight. I'm almost like in shock! So sooo proud :) And the good thing is I'm unlikely to get cocky about it, because as proud as I am that I've lost 10lb since I got myself back into control, I still hate how I look. My ribs still aren't how I want them, I still have some fat on the sides of my hips, I still have horrible cheeks, I still have squishy bits I can pull and prod, my arms still wobble and my thighs still touch. So I'm not going to 'reward' myself with food, I'm not going to become smug and throw it all away 'because I'll be fine and look great', there's no giving up and I'm going to be 100lb by the end of January by the absolute latest :)

"And you won't know what it's like until you try."

Posted at 09:21

Friday, 9 December 2011

Cheers (Drink To That)

So I'm on a certain diet alongside another blogger :) Which attempts to lose 6lb. The first two days are fasting, I think it's the third and fourth days are a small amount of vegetables, and the fifth and sixth days are fasting...something like that :)
I started on Tuesday with fasting and it's gone so well! All I had yesterday was an apple and today I've had another apple - yeah it's supposed to be veg but we only have vegetables you have to cook to eat (without being disgusting) and my mum will get suspicious. So since the start of Tuesday I've lost 3.6lb! and I'm hoping it'll keep dropping :)

I've also decided to try and go until next Friday without eating anything unnatural. So basically just living off of fruit and vegetables :) Yum! (not even sarcasm :D)

The only problem I'm finding is that my insomnia and weakness from not eating is making it difficult to exercise like it used to, yesterday I collapsed when doing it :S I'm hoping I'll get stronger somehow...

"Life's too short to be sitting around miserable, people are gonna' talk whether you're doing bad or good."

Posted at 21:12

Thursday, 8 December 2011


Ahhhh! Oh my godddd! I'm so happy! :) first GW achieved and only 3lb away from weighing less than ever! :D I thought it would take ages but there I was standing on the scales thinking they must be broken...maybe they are? But I cant help but think they must not be because I've been so good with exercising and barely eating :)

Today is good :)

"This one's for you and me, living out our dreams. We're all right where we should be."

Posted at 08:45

Wednesday, 7 December 2011


I'm finally in a good place with my eating. Back to my habits and mind set at my LW. Today I've had an apple (recently) and it filled me up so much I feel sick, I feel quite guilty for eating it too, but compared to the kind of food that made me feel guilty before this is great.
I haven't weighed myself in a while, I got sick of being disappointed by not losing anything, so as stupid as it sounds I'm hoping if I weigh myself in a couple of days I'll be pleasantly surprised. I'm feeling confident that I'll be at my first GW by the end of next week at the latest, I just cant get cocky, because if I do I'll feel invincible and think it's okay to binge here and there.
I also think I'm either going to come off of the ABC diet or start again and take away a couple/few hundred, because although yes it's supposed to help my metabolism, I just cant eat 500 calories! The most I have is 300 and even then I hate myself. So I guess it's sort of the ABCDE Diet...Ana Boot Camp Diet Extreme.

So excited!

Why not make thinspo festive!

"Place my wants and needs over your resistance."

Posted at 19:21

Sunday, 4 December 2011


I want need a nose job. I need one so badly it hurts. I wish I had loads of money to do it. My nose is so huge and gross it makes me look twice as ugly.
All I want for Christmas...


If I can't have the second one I'm going to damn well try my hardest for the first.

I just want to be perfect.

If she can cross them both off of her list, so can I.

Posted at 01:18 (Monday)

Friday, 2 December 2011

Hot N Cold

I'm getting so pissed off! First of all with Blogger. I have to refresh my dashboard page like a million times until it finally stops saying I'm not following any blogs and eventually shows the posts from blogs that I AM following!
Second of all, with my weight. I was stuck at 118lb for a while and then finally it dropped to 117lb, which is what I am now. But yesterday it dropped even more, and I was so excited and happy to be 1lb away from my first GW! And then I looked today and it had gone back to 117lb!!!! After working my ass off exercising yesterday and eating 200 calories. I can understand that it's going to be a long journey to get to each GW, but I can't understand putting on weight for no reason.


"Cause you're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no, you're in then you're out, you're up then you're down."

Posted at 15:31