Sunday, 27 November 2011

Do You Want It All

I get bored, and I get stressed. So when I'm feeling either, I do artistic stuff. So I made a version of myself that I WILL be eventually :)


Made with Flash :)


"Because you want to be it all because you want to be it all."

Posted at 18:25

Saturday, 26 November 2011

My Big Mistake

Here's some advice...don't drink. If you do there's a chance of these things happening:
- You'll come home and eat everything in sight because you have no idea what you're doing.
- You'll wake up with a MASSIVE hangover that wants to make you eat more to recover like you used to, but cant...because it's your fasting day on the ABC diet.
- You'll also wake up with lots of unexplainable bruises.
- You'll also remember TELLING YOUR BEST FRIEND THAT YOU LIKE THEM AFTER NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE ANYMORE OF HIDING YOUR FEELINGS AND LISTENING TO HIM TELLING YOU HE LIKES SOME GIRL THAT HE FUCKED AT A PARTY AND YOU'LL REALISE IT WAS ONE OF THE STUPIDEST THINGS YOU'VE DONE WHILE DRUNK IN A LONG TIME.




FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.


"Wish I could un-make my big mistake."


Posted at 15:24

Friday, 25 November 2011

She Is

Ahh coffee. Used to hate it, now I can't go a day without it. It's my breakfast every day, fills me up, gives me a boost and with my 1 calorie sweeteners, sorts out my sweet cravings instantly :)


I'm faced with a problem though. I was losing between half a pound and one and a half pounds every day for a while, and when that wasn't happening I was at least losing something. But now I'm stuck, I've stayed the same weight for days and I just can't seem to kick this stupid number! I exercise every day, I change it around to challenge myself, I've been perfect on the ABC diet...WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?! I just want to get back to my LW, then I'll know that I can do anything, if I got there before I can get there again...and this time I WILL NOT give up.


"Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home, for now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own to figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand, instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land. This is gonna' break me clean in two, this is gonna' bring me close to you. She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted. She is everything I want that I never knew I needed."


Posted at 15:14

Monday, 21 November 2011

Looking Up

Another 2lb lost! :) I'm hoping within the next two days another pound will be gone and I'll be 2 away from my first GW! :D Especially after today which is my 100 calories day on the ABC Diet and I've had an hour and a half of exhausting exercise. I'm so tired, weak and shaky, but I feel amazing :) I know that when I feel like this I'm doing well and feel so proud :)


I think what's making me do so much better recently is having a plan, I already have the ABC Diet recorded, a food diary and an exercise diary, and now I've got a food plan. This way I know exactly what I'm going to have every day and when. It really works! :) It's so nice to feel happy again, life's still crap, but when I have Ana by my side, the world seems so bright.


"I'd never trade it in 'cause I've always wanted this! It's not a dream anymore! No, it's not a dream anymore! It's worth fighting for."


Posted at 18:08

Friday, 18 November 2011

Dog Days Are Over

I've lost 2lb! :) Yeah it's not much but the amount of time I've lost it in is great and it's 2lb closer to my GW, it all adds up in the end :) I changed the ABC diet to the normal one not the +300 one, and it's going great, I can't wait to lose more and more weight! Part of what keeps me motivated are the quotes I think about non stop every day...





One of the ones I think about the most.






The other one I think about the most

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track."

Posted at 19:08

Monday, 14 November 2011

I Believe

Erin.: Thank you so much for your comment! It actually brought tears to my eyes and made me smile so much! It's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a long time :)


So I've been on the ABC diet AGAIN. But this time I've added on 300 calories, I got the idea from a blog I've been following, I think it's a good idea because as she said, this way I'm not setting myself up to fail :) A lot of the time I have 100-200 left over anyway so it's great. I'm on day 6 and haven't failed at all yet! I actually feel proud for once. I feel like as long as I completely focus on this, my mood will keep lifting. I'm so glad I'm slowly getting better with this and even more glad that my mental health is slowly improving :)






"They said you wouldn't make it so far, and ever since they said it, it's been hard. But nevermind the nights you had to cry 'cause you had never let it go inside. You worked real hard and you know exactly what you want and need, so believe and you can never give up, you can reach your goals. Just talk to your soul and say I believe I can, I believe I will..."

Posted at 16:54


Friday, 11 November 2011

If The Rain Must Fall

I usually hate winter. Is it even winter yet? It's probably still autumn...but who cares, it feels like winter. But I'm not hating it at the moment, in my current state I don't often leave the house so I'm often curled up in a chunky cardigan, and when I go out I can wear my gorgeous coat or some big jumpers. I'm actually not hating something for once.


I think the medication is working, I have a bit more energy, I don't feel like I'm going to cry non stop, I actually feel okay. The only problem is that I was told it would improve my appetite...and it has. I'm in such a hurry to be thin I feel like I'm going to explode from how much I want it...why are there so many hurdles?!


But oh well, this medication gets me feeling a bit high when I first take it, so right now I'm actually...happy? Wow :)


"Life can be strange, good and bad in so many ways, and in time you will find that things are not always what they seem."


Posted at 15:50

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Firework

Fireworks night...how the hell is it November already?! Can't believe it's Christmas next month...dear god I hate that day. Going to a family members house who you never normally visit, amongst other extremely dull family members you never spend time with...for an entire day. Last year I actually fell asleep in the afternoon.


But Fireworks night is different, it's cold enough to wear a cosy coat, but not freezing, there's no need to spend time with people you don't want to, you can just hang out with 'friends', have some drinks, have a fire, and watch the most gorgeous explosions in the sky.
Tonight I plan to actually get dressed, go out, drink, smoke and feel normal. I can pretend there's nothing wrong with me, see my best friend, and be a part of a crowd that are silenced by the sound of the fireworks.


Please, oh please can I just enjoy myself for one single night, even if it's the most simple night in the world, I just want to feel happy.


"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?"


Posted at 11:15

Thursday, 3 November 2011

All I Want

My god I want to be 18. The ability to just go to the shop and pick up some cigarettes or some drink, or to call up a friend and say "fuck it lets go out tonight!" and not have to wait for some big event to come up. Still...only just over 7 months to go -_-

I spend too much of my life counting down the time until something changes. Waiting for an event, desperate to grow up - without the responsibility, desperate to be thin, desperate to feel happy...
The truth is life is easy, I'm not at school any more because I can't handle it, I have no responsibilities, nothing's truly difficult. But yet it's still so overwhelming. I really do hate life and I hate that I hate it!

Anyway I'll stop moaning, blogging is pointless when all I'm doing is complaining that I'm not thin and I'm not happy. I just didn't want to wait another week until I post. Maybe my new meds will kick in soon and I'll be bouncing off the walls...

"All I want is a place to call my own, to mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone. Woah, you know you keep your hopes up high and your head down low."

Posted at 10:56