Sunday, 30 October 2011

I Don't Want To Be

I'd only left the house three times since the 11th, all of which to go to counselling sessions. I tried to see LG for the first time in what felt like forever after my Wednesday session but had a panic attack and couldn't go...Getting sick of feeling like such a mess.

Note to self: When you've had a bad experience, not been the same since, not spoken to or seen anyone for weeks and are planning on finally going out somewhere again...don't make it a party. I got dressed up for the first time in god knows how long and weirdly felt slightly pretty, but I think it was just because I've been used to seeing scruffy hair, red, soggy, tired eyes, and pale, unpainted skin in the mirror for so long. It was sort of...slightly fun. But now I feel even worse. I became the old me again for the night, the person I was before everything happened, she was confident, chatty and smiled. But I didn't like her, and I don't feel like that's me anymore. I should never have tried to pretend I'm okay and left my room. I'm not ready for anything.

The good news is I've had no appetite for weeks, so I've slowly but surely been losing weight again. Right now my life has nothing, but I'll never stop focusing on becoming thin, and once I am I'll have something to be proud of, and have something to define me.

"I don't wanna' be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately, all I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind. I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I've gotta' do or who I'm supposed to be. I don't wanna' be anything other than me."

Posted at 16.18

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