Sunday, 30 October 2011

I Don't Want To Be

I'd only left the house three times since the 11th, all of which to go to counselling sessions. I tried to see LG for the first time in what felt like forever after my Wednesday session but had a panic attack and couldn't go...Getting sick of feeling like such a mess.

Note to self: When you've had a bad experience, not been the same since, not spoken to or seen anyone for weeks and are planning on finally going out somewhere again...don't make it a party. I got dressed up for the first time in god knows how long and weirdly felt slightly pretty, but I think it was just because I've been used to seeing scruffy hair, red, soggy, tired eyes, and pale, unpainted skin in the mirror for so long. It was sort of...slightly fun. But now I feel even worse. I became the old me again for the night, the person I was before everything happened, she was confident, chatty and smiled. But I didn't like her, and I don't feel like that's me anymore. I should never have tried to pretend I'm okay and left my room. I'm not ready for anything.

The good news is I've had no appetite for weeks, so I've slowly but surely been losing weight again. Right now my life has nothing, but I'll never stop focusing on becoming thin, and once I am I'll have something to be proud of, and have something to define me.

"I don't wanna' be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately, all I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind. I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I've gotta' do or who I'm supposed to be. I don't wanna' be anything other than me."

Posted at 16.18

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Because of You

I was going to try and blog a lot. Then everything got worse. So much worse. I had a meltdown from stress, locked myself away crying and hating life more and more. But I accepted an invite to a house party and got very drunk, it made me blow off some steam but when I woke up I decided work could go and fuck itself, so I didn't go, I didn't even call in, I'd officially begun to lose my grip on reality.
My mum - away for the weekend, was so insanely angry. The more angry she got the more she pushed me away and put me down, the more she lowered my self esteem and the more she left me completely emotionally alone day after day until I had no one to talk to and no where to turn. I got to the point where I felt insane, the kind of crying where it's mixed with a scream, where you're rocking and gritting your teeth and pulling on your hair and everything's a blur. On Tuesday the 11th I got home as quickly as I could, packed a bag and ran out of the house without anyone knowing, I went to an empty field where I sat alone crying, I eventually heard voices telling me there's nothing more I can do, I'm worthless, life will never get better, do it, kill yourself. The crying was worse than ever and I could feel myself edging closer and closer to grabbing all of my anti-depressants and overdosing...again. (Last year I went through with it, but it didn't work because I didn't have enough...I just fell asleep).


I felt like I had two options, call someone for help, or take them. So I desperately called my dad who I barely talk to, who told me it's life and to get a grip. He's never understood that having a mental illness stops your from being able to do that. I felt worse and hung up. My mum sent me an angry text at that moment about an argument and I text her saying 'I'm sitting alone in a field ready to take all of my pills. Help. Please help' and she called me, saying the exact same thing my dad did until I hung up feeling worse again. I was about to end my suffering and take them when I remembered what my doctor said after last time 'If you ever overdose again call an ambulance immediately no matter what'...I thought to myself amongst all of my panic: I haven't taken them, but I have no one else left in the world I can turn to, maybe an ambulance would help me and stop me even if I haven't taken them? This is my last chance before I explode...'


I called them in a huge panic with my words slurred amongst tears, they told me to go to the nearest road and house number so I ran until I collapsed in a heap on the phone and told them where I was. They turned up soon after and sat me in the ambulance for about an hour trying to calm me down as I cried and cried. They called my mum and told her they were taking me to the hospital. Once I was there I was there for hours. I felt drained of emotion, in a zombie like state. I just stared into space feeling crazy the entire time. After being snapped out of it and once again crying as I poured my heart out to a professional I was sent home.
Everyone told me that night how brave and sensible I was to call the ambulance instead of taking the pills, everyone but my mum. I didn't feel sensible, I felt truly mental. Even more than ever before.


Since then I've not been the same. It was like the last straw, I've officially snapped and now life is different. Five years. Five fucking years of depression. Years of self-harm. A year of counselling. A year and a half of anti-depressants. And all I am is worse. I'm so SICK of not being normal.


I've not been at school since, apart from the one time where I had a panic attack and got taken out of the lesson and surprisingly had the head of sixth form be really nice to me and say 'I don't think you're ready to be back yet, you need more time so you can be healthy'. I've ignored all of my 'friends' since, LG was on holiday, the worst timing ever. And everyone else's texts I dodged, ignored Facebook posts, didn't accept invites to anything and tried to keep everyone in the dark, I don't want any one to know, and I still don't. I bumped into SB and a couple more on that one school day and felt terrified. I cant look anyone in the eye any more, I can't talk to them, I don't know how to exist anywhere outside of my house now. It scares me, I've never felt this way before and I just don't know how to go back to before the meltdown. I hate being outside, the insanely anxious and paranoid feeling of every single person staring at me and talking about me drives me insane and near tears. I've become my own prisoner.


LG's back now. I'm seeing him tomorrow. It's the first time since the 11th that I'll be out for the day without it being to see counsellors or doctors (who have finally decided to change my anti-depressants), I'm so nervous, I sound different, I act different, I'm never happy. Who wants to spend the day with that?


My life's a mess. I almost wish I hadn't called that fucking ambulance.




"I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I Will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you"



Posted at 22:27

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Stop & Stare

The feeling. God I've missed this. Light headed, weak, shaky, I'm in a weirdly high mood from not eating all day. Finally! I was so depressed last night and today that I secretly skipped school and haven't eaten a thing, I even dumped my dinner in the bin for the first time in a while.


When I feel like this, like I've just had a toke on a spliff, I remember what kept me from eating, I adore this feeling and of course as well as the thought of it adding up to some day feeling thin, it's ten times better than food will ever be.


One day I'm going to be tiny. I want to be so light that the weakest of people can lift me. So fragile that everyone's afraid they'll break me. So narrow that they could practically pass through me. So proud that I could scream with happiness. I want to be so painfully and shockingly thin that when anyone see's me they gasp and stare, and whisper 'she looks nearly dead'.


"Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could. Steady feet don't fail me now."


Posted at 22:17

Monday, 3 October 2011

Before The Worst

I'm crap at posting. There's just really nothing to tell, I feel too ashamed to post about my eating because of how messed up it's become, the diet pretty much stopped, I didn't plan it but it sort of faded away. I'll be starting again when I get my head back to normal.


My life is pointless to talk about most of the time too, I spend 5 miserable days a week at school, and the other 2 at work. I'm so sick of not even having a day to relax and stop feeling stressed for a minute. I have to be honest and say I really don't like my life at the moment, I have one friend (thank god for him), school is shit, I feel completely alone, there's always work to do, and I hate my job. At least my relationship with my mum is good...for now, when it's bad...it. is. bad. I won't get into it, but I've had a scarring as hell childhood with her. I just hope we don't go back to it again. If I end up hating being at home again as well as everywhere else...I don't know what the hell I'll do.


I wish I felt like money didn't matter to me, if I didn't feel like I need it I'd quit my job instantly. I started off liking it but it's become a nightmare, it's exhausting, chaotic, the staff (minus my fellow trainees) are horrible and with how easily I crack under pressure it's just too much to handle. I made a mistake the other day and my manager got so angry she called me a 'fucking idiot' and got me so upset with everything I ran into the toilets and secretly cried in my break. I even considered running out because I couldn't take it. But I'm glad I didn't...when I'm done with this job, it'll be a dignified end.





Some day soon I'll feel beautiful, happy & loved...


"Before too late, before too long, let's try to take it back before it all went wrong."

Posted at 22:14