Sunday, 25 September 2011

Nothing Compares

I haven't posted in so long, I'm usually addicted to posting, I guess lately when I haven't been busy I've been sick. It's been over a week and I've been ill every day, first of all with sickness - the first two days I threw up so I guess that's an upside, but the rest have been a nightmare, I had a day off of work - so I lost money, I had to leave early the day after because of how ill I was - losing more money, then I had two and a half days off of school - getting me behind on a lot of work, and I've been ill this weekend too, but at least I made it to work this time. But the worst part is, I've really fucked up my ABC diet, so badly it makes me tearful thinking about it. Having so much time at home with nothing to do and food all around me drove me insane, and as soon as I got my appetite back after the two throwing up days...I lost control. I've binged for almost a week. I HATE MYSELF.


I can't bare to look at the scales, I bet I've put insane amount of weight on, and to top it off, I've been too ill to exercise. I feel fucked. I've spent day after day alone in my room crying and binging. I'm honestly miserable when I lose my control and strength with this. I just can't stop the temptation from making its way into my brain and taking over, I wish I had someone to help me through it. I'm so tired of being alone.


I'm carrying on with ABC. It's a 50 day diet, I can't give up so quickly just because I've fucked a part of it up. I cant wait for the day of fasting; Tuesday <3 I'll feel so happy, my stomach will be empty, my body will be weak, and my head will feel light as air. Then I'll know I'm in control again.




"They say if it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger."

Posted at 22:51

Friday, 16 September 2011

Ignorance

I have such good friends...all they've done since I've been back for my last year of sixth form at school is made fun of me. It used to always happen but they're really pushing it, making fun of where I live and my family, and making up rumours about me. Why am I friends with these people? they're not friends at all. I've completely out grown them, I feel like an adult, they've remained as children. The upside is that they haven't noticed I haven't eaten since we went back on Monday, at lunch if I'm too hungry to handle I have a can of Pepsi Max (the same 1 calorie intake as Diet Pepsi but with non-artificial sweeteners) from my bag.


I miss LG, other than SB being an average friend and doesn't treat me like complete shit, LG is my best friend, and he's never done anything to hurt me, but he's the only one who left school to work :/ But he would notice instantly if I wasn't eating so I guess it's for the best.


I'm on day 2 of the ABC diet, so far I'm succeeding :) And I'm going to do everything I can to continue succeeding, I'm not giving up, I will be thin. My life would be nothing without the beautiful voice of ana <3


"I'm not the same kid from your memory, well now I can fend for myself."


Posted at 19:49

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Right, I've had enough, I'm so sick of binging. Every time I get stressed out or emotional I eat. Every time I get hungry I eat. Every time I get bored I eat. Every time I'm tempted by the look or smell of food I eat. What the fuck has happened to me?! I used to go for days living off of a bottle of Diet Pepsi and nothing else! I looked in the mirror and burst into tears. All I've been doing is gaining weight, and if I carry on, I'll be right back where I started. I need to stop thinking 'I'll be better tomorrow' and I need to take back control. Starting tomorrow I'm on the ABC Diet, something proven to be effective and what seems like the only option to save myself. I want to have lost at the very least 20 pounds by the end of the year. If I never go over 500 calories, never eat badly, and exercise a lot, I can do it. I was strong before I'll bloody well be strong again. Here come the days of fasting and planned calorie variations for 50 days. And I can't wait <3



"I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong."

Posted at 21:24

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I'd like to dedicate this post to those who suffered during/from 9/11 and to those who died in 9/11. RIP <3



"As my memory rests, but never forgets what I lost."

Posted at 17:15

Saturday, 10 September 2011

1234

Out of boredom and a lot of thought about it in my day dreams, I decided to create a post about my top ten girl/guy celebrity crushes xD God I need a life. But the blogs I read are often sad, 100% about ana and super serious, so I thought I should do a light-hearted post :) Enjoy my crushes!...


Both girls & guys are in order of favourites from 1-10 :) (obviously 1 being the favourite)


GIRLS


1. Jessica Stroup


90210's most gorgeous girl! Actually a little obsessed with her ;) Ugh! <3



2. Pixie Lott

Amazing British singer, almost all of our guys like her, they're not the only ones!



3. Mila Kunis

Could those eyes be more amazing? You'd be crazy not to be into her



4. Ashlee Simpson

I have to admit, I was never interested before the nose job, but she's just so beautiful now! Lucky Pete Wentz! Give her to me! xD



5. Katy Perry

Ugh it was so hard putting her at number 5! I adore her! I could look at her for hours! Feeling like a freak writing this...oh well <3



6. Frankie Sandford

Another British singer, this time from a group. There's just something about her that appeals to me, and her eyes and smile are stunning! Nommmm



7. Hayley Williams

A typical crush that loads of people have, but come on, who can resist? I mean, it's her! Doesn't get cuter!



8. Ellie Goulding

I have to admit, even though these crushes are based on looks (but I do love more than just looks about loads of them) a lot of my attraction towards this British singer comes from her voice. But she's beautiful too!



9. Kaya Scoldelario:

An actress from the British 'Skins'. She's so beautifully thin and uniquely gorgeous <3



10. Jessica Alba

I think her smile could make anyone weak, it's so soft! She's always been so stunning to me




GUYS

1. Matt Lanter

And 90210's most gorgeous guy ;D Dear god he makes me melt! Aha thank you 90210 for giving me the 2 most amazing people ever!



2. Mitch Hewer

Another actor from Skins, but the 1st & 2nd series. I've had a crush on him for countless years! He's such a pretty boy! xD Ah! <3



3. Wentworth Miller

Apparently he's like nearly 40...he looks so young!! I swear my heart hurt throughout all of Prison Break watching him! Lol!



4. Enrique Inglesias

Ooft his sexy voice and smouldering looks. 'Nuff said. ;) Aha



5. Andrew Garfield

After first seeing his gorgeous face in The Social Network I had a crush on him instantly! Can't wait to watch him in a tight Spider-man outfit ;D



6. Luke Pasqualino

And yet another Skins cast member lol! we all loved him it was difficult not to adore the character he played and his incredible smile!



7. Example

Quite an odd crush, but he's gotten better looking recently and I can't help but be so attracted to him! xD



8. Ryan Reynolds

He's so cute! Another person I could look at for hours :) And the body ;)



9. Ashton Kutcher

He never gets old xD I swear he seems like he's been the same age forever! And he always seems to get better looking!



10. Drew Fuller

This is more of a gap filler to be perfectly honest :L He's more of an ex or old crush, but I still find him attractive :)



"Old teenage hopes are alive at your door, left you with nothing but they want some more."

Posted at 23:59