Sunday, 14 August 2011

Time To Pretend

I have two weeks. Two weeks from today, I'll be putting on my gorgeous dress and getting all dressed up to look as good as I possibly can. I don't know why I care so much, it's just a wedding, but it's a stuck up wedding with a lot of thought and money that went into it, (not to mention with a masquerade theme, me? walking around holding up a lacy black mask on a stick? ô combien élégante! ;) ...) so it's the most glamorous event I'll have ever attended, I have to look my best. The dress <3 Oh the dress, an expensive, respectably branded, celebrity worn dress in a small size. I fit in it, I've checked, but I want to feel amazing in it, knowing I've worked hard to get myself to a good enough size to feel at least average by then. Would be good if we had some fucking scales so I could see my progress, it's not like I can ask either..."Mum can you please buy some scales? (when you're already questioning the things I eat and how much of it non stop and saying I'm too thin)" ...I'm sure that would go down well. But now that I'll be counting down the days to the event I've been looking forward to for months, I think it'll push me to be better than ever. Lets damn hope so.

I'm probably just rambling, I still haven't been to sleep yet - thanks again insomnia. But it gave me the chance to come up with a new idea, I've written out in red ink 'don't eat' & 'thinspiration' in a number code on the back of my hand. Now I can look at it when I want to eat, I hope for it to trigger images of being fat, and thinking of all the reasons why not to eat. It's got to help at least a little, and the number code should hopefully mask the point of it from others. I seriously need a life, something to distract me from the voices and get me out of my bedroom. The only long term distraction I have coming up is finally starting a bakery. Brilliant.

I often don't have anything good or enthusiastic to say about life on this lately, but hey, an anorexic suffering with depression and insomnia? Give me break :P

"Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives."

Posted at 08.28

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