Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Under Pressure

Weddings are a bitch. I had a lot of fun, really enjoyed it, and felt like I actually looked okay. But I ate. A lot. I knew I would, I told myself I'd try not to, but I gave in to the temptation and pressure so easily. And since then I can't seem to get properly back on track, nothing seems to be triggering it. Fuuuuck. But I can do it, I always get back to normal in the end. 

My life is quite boring really. I haven't felt the need to post in a while because of it. The wedding was the most interesting thing I was involved with for ages! Oh well maybe my social life will pick up a bit more soon. Anyway I'm happy with the changes and additions to my blog :) I hope anyone that actually looks at this is too! :)

"Pray tomorrow gets me higher"

Posted at 21.26

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Food & Exercise Diary: Entry Nineteen

- Caffeinated tea with skimmed milk & 2 sugars: 26 calories
- 500ml bottle of 'Really Light' Ribena: 20 calories
- An apple: 53 calories
- Caffeinated tea with skimmed milk & 2 sugars: 26 calories

Calories obtained in the day: 125
Almost a full liquid fast :) As long as it's under 200 I'm happy for now :)

- Yoga for 1 hour
- 200 sit ups
- 40 lunges & 10 squats

Posted at 21.06

Come Back Home

Finally! Ugh fucking computers. After the fan on mine breaking I was using my mums laptop for a while, which then got a virus. I've been without internet access for so long! Which has lead to a slight struggle with ana, no thinspiration, no blog, I didn't realise how much I relied on it to help me through.

So I changed the appearance of my blog :) I much prefer it, but I'm not done so I'll be adding pages and making it even better soon, which I planned to do forever ago before I got cut off!
I got my results, two D's and a C. FUCK. I was so upset, I'd tried really hard too, so I'm clearly just retarded. But somehow I've been allowed to carry the subjects further into next year, thank god! Started my job too, I actually really like it, I keep myself busy, it's interesting and there's nice people, including a gorgeous funny guy I'm going to call 'Bakery Boy'. It's always nice to have something pretty to look at ;)

Things in life are looking up, internet access, money, new people, new job, good enough grades to get through next year. The only thing going wrong is ana, and if that goes wrong, my life goes wrong. I have to be better with it, I can be so much stronger than I am now.

"You'll hit your target some day."

Posted at 10.25

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

She's Always A Woman To Me

Thinking of having a bit of reboot with my blog. I can't imagine it appears that exciting just reading someone's thoughts non stop. I'm coming up with a few ways to making it slightly more presentable and interesting :)

I feel like I want to try the ABC diet, apparently it's effective and a lot of anas are doing it. I tried it once before a while back, and struggled with keeping the calories low so much that I seemed to binge more than I did before the diet so I stopped. Now I feel like I wouldn't be able to do it because some of the days are like 500 calories and I never have that much anymore. It's a good sign of how much better I'm doing at least, and I know I can have less than that and still be doing the diet, but maybe it wouldn't be as effective? I plan to look into it more, but I think it could help with keeping me in control. I love the idea of having a few days fasting too, I'd feel so proud! Although I've technically done that today :)

Induction for my new job tomorrow. Ahh terrified! I have to get up super early, which is terrible with my insomnia, I have to spend the whole day around food, I have to be on my feet for 6 hours straight which I'm not used to, especially with no food in me, maybe an apple to keep me going? And I have to be a brilliant worker...I haven't had a job since Christmas so I'm out practice :S

Fucking nerves!

"And she only reveals what she wants you to see, she hides like a child but she's always a woman to me."

Posted at 22.53

Food & Exercise Diary: Entry Eighteen

- 600ml bottle of Diet Pepsi: 2.4 calories

Calories obtained in the day: 2.4
This is probably a bad thing. But oh well, it all adds to becoming thin.

- Yoga for 1 hour
- 200 sit ups
- 40 lunges & 10 squats

Posted at 22.37

Monday, 15 August 2011

Better Off This Way

"You know I'd rather say nothing and just be proud of myself, I'm tearing down these walls."

Posted at 14.12

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Food & Exercise Diary: Entry Seventeen

- Caffeinated tea with 1% fat milk & 2 sugars: 28 calories

Calories obtained in the day: 28
...No appetite at all today. I'm seeing this as a good thing.

- Yoga for 1 hour
- 200 sit ups
- 40 lunges & 10 squats
- 10 push ups...I'm weak

Posted at 23.20

Time To Pretend

I have two weeks. Two weeks from today, I'll be putting on my gorgeous dress and getting all dressed up to look as good as I possibly can. I don't know why I care so much, it's just a wedding, but it's a stuck up wedding with a lot of thought and money that went into it, (not to mention with a masquerade theme, me? walking around holding up a lacy black mask on a stick? ô combien élégante! ;) ...) so it's the most glamorous event I'll have ever attended, I have to look my best. The dress <3 Oh the dress, an expensive, respectably branded, celebrity worn dress in a small size. I fit in it, I've checked, but I want to feel amazing in it, knowing I've worked hard to get myself to a good enough size to feel at least average by then. Would be good if we had some fucking scales so I could see my progress, it's not like I can ask either..."Mum can you please buy some scales? (when you're already questioning the things I eat and how much of it non stop and saying I'm too thin)" ...I'm sure that would go down well. But now that I'll be counting down the days to the event I've been looking forward to for months, I think it'll push me to be better than ever. Lets damn hope so.

I'm probably just rambling, I still haven't been to sleep yet - thanks again insomnia. But it gave me the chance to come up with a new idea, I've written out in red ink 'don't eat' & 'thinspiration' in a number code on the back of my hand. Now I can look at it when I want to eat, I hope for it to trigger images of being fat, and thinking of all the reasons why not to eat. It's got to help at least a little, and the number code should hopefully mask the point of it from others. I seriously need a life, something to distract me from the voices and get me out of my bedroom. The only long term distraction I have coming up is finally starting a bakery. Brilliant.

I often don't have anything good or enthusiastic to say about life on this lately, but hey, an anorexic suffering with depression and insomnia? Give me break :P

"Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives."

Posted at 08.28

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Brick By Boring Brick

I've had the realisation today that I have to start looking at other blogs and thinspiration websites and pictures every day. I normally look at them every other day, some times not even that, but when I do, I often end up in tears over the fact I feel not even nearly as thin as I want to. I also feel a huge amount of inspiration and motivation to be thinner, and to not binge and to exercise instantly. So clearly doing this every day is at least one of the ways forward to stop myself from binging - constantly a big problem, and to keep myself in the right mind set to be thin.
Yesterday was a good day (if you look at food diary sixteen) but having so little left me with no energy to exercise, I clearly need to work my way down more before I can come close to that all the time. It doesn't help that I'm suffering with insomnia and feel tired 24/7, stopping me from exercising and fucking with my appetite. Why does there have to be so many obstacles.

But fuck the obstacles. Fuck the problems. I want to be thin. I can be thin. I will be thin.

"She lives in a fairytale somewhere too far for us to find."

Posted at 20.23

Friday, 12 August 2011

Food & Exercise Diary: Entry Sixteen

- An apple: 53 calories
- Caffeinated tea with 1% fat milk & 2 sugars: 28 calories
- Reduced sugar strawberry jam on Ryvita crackerbread: 45 calories
- An apple: 53 calories

Calories obtained in the day (aprox.): 179

Posted at 22.56

Thursday, 11 August 2011

We Cry

So three things are currently fucked.
1. My computer. a.k.a My life. After something to do with the power dying I can no longer use it until I have it fixed. At least I have my mums' laptop as a substitute, or my life would pretty much have no purpose. Note to self, delete blog & thinspiration history after use.
2. My sleep pattern. It's slowly edged its way round the clock until now I'm finding myself still awake watching T4 at 7am. So I either get practically no sleep, or wake up in the evening after finally falling asleep in the morning. Terrific. 
3. My social life. I'm pretty certain I'm going stir crazy. I leave the house once or twice a week for a social gathering - which is always shit anyway. Other than that I have a very small amount of friends with a very small amount of eagerness to see me.

So as I sit here feeling sorry for myself, writing yet another pointless blog after not long waking up, sitting on my mums' laptop and staring at my textless phone I think... When am I going to start enjoying life again?

"At some point every rose has to die."

Posted at 18.14

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Food & Exercise Diary: Entry Fifteen

- Reduced sugar strawberry jam on Ryvita crackerbread: 45 calories
- Caffeinated tea with 1% fat milk & 2 sugars: 28 calories
- Weightwatchers chicken hotpot ready meal: 226 calories

Calories obtained in the day (aprox.): 299

- Yoga for 55 minutes
- 200 sit ups

Posted at 22.02

Monday, 8 August 2011

Food & Exercise Diary: Entry Fourteen

- Caffeinated tea with 1% fat milk & 2 sugars: 28 calories

Calories obtained in the day (aprox.): 28

- Yoga for 55 minutes
- 200 sit ups

Posted at 23.05

My Favourite Things

I've had a weird overwhelming urge to bake for about a month. I've always loved it, and always been at least average at it. But I haven't done so lately as I see myself binging on insanely unhealthy cookies etc. But after about an hour of research I've found a ton of low calorie, low fat treats for me to make, but I don't even want to eat what I make, I just want to make it. Maybe I should invest in play dough...
I've found myself with more motivation to eat well today especially; I'm going to a wedding soon, and found the most gorgeous, fashionable (being a complete addict of fashion) dress ever, it arrived today and fits me so well and looks amazing, too good for me to be honest. But I have to remain the right size for it, so it's excellent motivation to not binge.
I remember when food was never a huge factor in my life. Now everything revolves around food. I hate it to be honest. I'm such a different person now days in quite an indescribable way, but I can feel it. I do miss the old me, but I can't pull myself out of this, and I never want to put on weight. I guess this is me now.

"Silver white winters that melt into springs"

Posted at 21.54

Friday, 5 August 2011

Food & Exercise Diary: Entry Thirteen

- Quorn meat free quarter pounder burger, baby new potatoes, cauliflower & ketchup: 261 calories
- Caffeinated tea with 1% fat milk & 2 sugars: 28 calories

Calories obtained in the day (aprox.): 289

- Yoga for 40 minutes
- 150 sit ups

Posted at 23.56

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Food & Exercise Diary: Entry Twelve

- Caffeinated tea with 1% milk & 2 sugars: 28 calories
- Pasta with low fat tomato & basil sauce, peeled prawns & sliced mushroom: 384 calories
- Decaffeinated tea with 1% milk & 2 sugars: 28 calories

Calories obtained in the day (aprox.): 440

- Yoga for 40 minutes
- 150 sit ups

Posted at 01.13

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Push It

When I think about it, I've only been this way with my eating for just over a couple of months, three at the most, even now I think back to things I would eat even a month ago and think my god I wouldn't touch that now! I guess that's good proof that I'm improving all the time. Before this I just 'tried' to be healthy by eating less crap, but still never exercised or counted calories, or worried too much. And before that, I lived off of crap, energy drinks, KFC, sweets, you name it I ate anything just full of shit. I was so weak and didn't give a crap, in a way I miss not caring, but if I'd carried on that way I wouldn't have gone down to a size 6uk, I'd have been likely to have moved all the way up to a 14uk or something. A scary thought.
For a while I struggled, a lot, I had the tendency to be good and keep my calories under 400 or 300 calories, then it would get late and my urge to binge would become over powering, and I'd just eat anything and ruin it. But I've got that figured, I just have to power through the nights and take things seriously, something's just switched and I know how to be good now.

Just finished exercising too, I feel great, 50 minutes of yoga and 150 sit ups, even though I'm exhausted there's something that gives me a brilliant feeling after, I guess a satisfactory one. My mum has a seven day pass for me to use at her gym as of tomorrow, I'm so excited! The desperation to become fitter, healthier and most importantly, thinner, is overpowering!

Things are good :) Especially as I got a job! I can finally save for driving lessons when I begin and not feel poor! The problem is that it's in a bakery. Not the best place for someone with an eating disorder. I guess it'll just be a true test of my control.

You can never get enough THINSPIRATION<3 

"This dance ain't for everybody"

Posted at 23.39