Saturday, 31 December 2011

Happy Fucking New Year

Even though there's a very small amount of people who read this, I still feel bad for not posting in a while. A lot has changed since my last post. I struggled so much with food since Christmas day to two days ago. I don't want to know how much I weigh :( I'm just going to stay strong and look a while from now and hope it's back to where it was.
Everything with LG died down. I haven't seen him in ages, and I've realised it must have been a phase when I liked him, which sounds incredibly childish but it went away very quickly. Which is a good thing. There's a group of friends that I used to hang out with last year, when we went to school together, practically all guys, and all a year older than me. They're so much fun but we've drifted apart and I never see them now. But on Christmas Eve an old friend, AR asked me if I wanted to do something, and we got together with DB and ..let's call him 'the boy' (an old 'crush') and got a bit drunk at AR's house. Confused by the initials yet? By the time we left it was officially Christmas, and I thought it was the best way I'd ever started Christmas. We then went to the boy's house (on the same street as me) and they got a tiny bit more drunk...while I got quite wasted. It was a laugh and once AR had to leave, the boy and I were alone and watched films together. We ended up cuddled up as we fell asleep for a little while, but nothing happened. I left at 7:30am. The day then was brilliant with my family. The best Christmas in a long time.
...So that was the positive, I went to my dad's after and had fun. So Christmas? Good.


Now. Now is not good. Now is a big fat fucking slap in the face. I talked to the boy quite a lot on Facebook after that, and we text each other quite a bit. I was starting to really like him, but was trying not to get my hopes up at the same time...which didn't last long. And on the 28th he told me he was ill and I said I'd 'bring him ice cream' the next day. Which turned into me literally bringing him ice cream on that 29th night and I didn't end up leaving. We watched horror films and had a laugh with his family now and again. We turned off the films about 5am and layed talking and having a laugh. I woke up at what must have been about 7am and he was spooning me. I turned over and we remained cuddled up. He then got closer and closer to me until he was doing a cute little rubbing his nose lightly against mine action until he kissed me. We spend the next hour or so cuddled up and kissing. I couldn't believe that I was kissing him, after all this time. I was insanely happy when I walked home that morning. And was certain that there was something between us now, I mean, why wouldn't you after that? But oh was I so very wrong.
Last night his ex, who it turns out is fucking crazy, started talking to me out of nowhere on Facebook. Telling me to stay away and generally just being very odd and trying to start an argument. I then text the boy telling him and he came on Facebook. And this...is what he said...


"hey. sorry she seems to think we had sex. not totally sure why... but if im honest i do have something to say, about last night. i think you may have got the wrong impression and im sorry. i dont know why i did it because i dont have those kinds of feelings towards you. i just wasn't thinking straight and im sorry if i led you on. i feel bad and i shouldn't have done it."


TOP.
QUALITY.
WANKER.

I've been so hurt since then. I haven't said anything to him, I don't know what the hell to say. I'm acting fine with all of our friends who know that we kissed, which isn't easy when I'm so humiliated. I'm so angry with him but I WILL NOT show it, I wont be the desperate crazy girl that turns on him. I'm just going to act like he was nothing special and I don't give a shit. But, I've started cutting myself again. After about 2 years of stopping, I've started again. Because as it turns out...I'm not better. I just thought I was because nothing was going wrong to make me upset that I was recovering, but now that something has, All I keep thinking is "WHEN WILL THE UNIVERSE GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK AND GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT?!" So instead of overdosing and everyone knowing about my pain. All I can think to do is secretly cut myself. I feel pathetic :(

And now tonight I'll be sitting here alone. So as mentioned. Happy fucking new year. I doubt this will get read, it's damn long. But thank you to anyone that does <3 this is my real therapy.

Posted at 16:54

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Friday, 23 December 2011

Fairytale Of New York

So I became ill on Monday, cold or flu or something but it's killing me D: and all I've done to deal with it is be miserable, whiny and eat a lot :/ I haven't weighed myself recently but I did on Tuesday or Wednesday and I'd put on a lot of what I hope was food weight :/ And for days I'd been saying okay I'm starting over today, no more messing up...but given in. But as of yesterday I'm DEFINITELY back to normal :)
Breakfast? Coffee.
Lunch? Apple.
Dinner? Coffee.
There's no way I'm changing my stats, because I'm damn well going to be back there with in a matter of days :)


Happy Christmas Eve Eve!


"And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day."


Posted at 13:29

Sunday, 18 December 2011

We Found Love

So, LG. Anyone who's read a few previous posts knows who he is, my friend since I was 13 and my best friend since I was 14. The guy who up until recently was just like my brother, and always was and still is the best guy I've ever known. He's still all of these things (minus the brother part), but since about September I've been having feelings for him. I've tried to tell myself it's just confusing my feelings, a phase, it'll go away, but I just feel more strongly about him every day :(


He hasn't said anything about it since I told him in no more words than "I like you" when I was wasted a few weeks back. Not a single word, he just carried on as normal, so all I could assume was that he doesn't feel that way about me at all and doesn't want it to be awkward, which I totally get, I would never have told him sober. So I've left it and been normal too. But on Friday night when I sat alone upstairs and he came up, he spent the rest of the night with me. I kept telling him to go downstairs because he's missing out and I feel bad and he said that he didn't care he wanted to be with me, which is very sweet, but he's always been that way. We watched funny shows and talked, eventually we were cuddling up like a couple on my bed (still not particularly anything new, he's always been cuddly etc.) but I could feel his heart beating really fast with my head on his chest, and he was hugging me so tight. I got up to go to the bathroom and came back and got under the covers (wasn't a move, I was freezing) and he got under with me, we cuddled more and when we talked we were about a cm away from each others faces, looking each other in the eyes and briefly looking down at each others lips. This wasn't normal anymore. I was getting so confused. At one point he said something playfully mean and I turned away from him playfully too. He was like "noooo" in a cute voice and spooned me, he put his arms tight around my waist and nuzzled his head between my neck and shoulder. This may be the happiest moment I've had all year. We stayed like that for ages and had funny conversations, these some how led to him lightly biting me on the shoulder, and then my neck (doesn't help that this is a major turn on spot for me) but luckily it tickled so we just giggled a lot. I turned around and we cuddled facing each other again. But carried on messing around and were tickling each other a lot. We've never done this before, this wasn't friendly, it was flirty as hell. I was blissfully happy, but this was as far as it went. He eventually had to go, as much as I wanted him to stay so I could wake up cuddling him. But I didn't care, I didn't need anything to happen. It just made me happy to have the butterfly feeling with him.


So yeah he single handedly turned a disaster night into an incredible night. And yesterday he begged me to come Christmas shopping with him, I looked a mess and was exhausted but I gave in a got myself looking the best I could. I was so happy to see him but it felt a little awkward. Once again we didn't talk about it, we went back to normal AGAIN. But we cant blame it on anything, he was only tipsy, and I was only a little drunk - I got much more drunk once he left. He slowly got in a bad mood though, he always says playfully mean things and says he's sorry and laughs and it's all in good fun. But it started going to far and he just started being a bit of an ass. He was going to come to mine or the other way around after shopping but he didn't want to any more and said he was tired. Yeah sure. I tried to find out why he was being an ass and being in such a bad mood. But I'd given up after how much he hurt me with this... I bought some chocolate and told him how guilty I felt (no one knows about my ED, but he worries, and tells me to eat unhealthy stuff some times and to stop worrying. But he knows I don't ever normally eat unhealthy stuff and he knows I'm really sensitive about it) but I said "I shouldn't be eating this I feel really bad" and he said "Yeah you shouldn't you should be ashamed of yourself and you should definitely go for a run when you get home." Yes it was a joke. Yes it wouldn't upset a normal person. But it hurt so much, I was shocked. And he laughed and tried to hug me - still not saying sorry and I shrugged it off eventually but I was sooo upset by it. He'd never said anything so hurtful. All I can assume from yesterday was one of a couple of things, he regrets Friday night, and doesn't want me to think of it as anything so he's being a dick to me. Or he's feeling a certain way about me and doesn't know how to handle it. I'm almost certain on the first one. But if you're going to be an asshole, why beg me to see you?!


Ugh I hate guys. I'm done with my huge posts now. I just had to get all of this out and have no one to talk to! WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT HIM!


I had a dream like this last night with him kissing me (except my hair's blonde and his is light brown) ...I woke up miserable. Fuck love right?



"It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny. But I've gotta' let it go. We found love in a hopeless place."


Posted at 12:37

Natural Disaster

Asodja: Thank you I'm glad you like it! :) I use 'Adobe Flash 8' which you have to buy but I got someone to illegally download it for me a few years ago (hehe) But if you just practice making simple things you'll get used to the tools and techniques :) I saved the first thing I ever made and it looked terrible when I looked at it on Friday! haha! So it might take a while but good luck! :)
Stillimagining: Thank you! It was certainly...interesting haha


So yeah...prettttttttyyyyyy sure I jinxed it. Of course, as hard as I tried, I didn't stick to fasting. I technically did all day, all I had was water and then the alcohol, but it got to 1am and I was wasted and I decided to eat a packet of 5 thin slices of ham...ham?! Why?! And since then it's all gone down hill, I had an energy drink ironically called Recovery to wake me up after my three hours of sleep and so much chocolate yesterday. *Sigh*


Now the party. The god damn party. The positives at the start were that I got told I looked beautiful by AB (an old fling but still a great friend), and until about 10pm I had a blast. We took funny pictures, we were all getting drunk and dancing, playing drinking games and I was really enjoying it. But it really started getting out of hand. The bastards started PLAYING WITH STEAK KNIVES! taking all of our things in the house and hiding them in places I couldn't get to them, they broke a door, spilt like a million drinks, got wet mud everywhere, someone peed all over the bathroom!!! a couple I trusted had sex in my toilet, people slept in my mums room when no one was allowed in there, some one went through my drawers (almost found my meds!!) they made the house look like I'd be robbed and were talking to me like dicks. I. had. enough. I gave in after trying and silently went upstairs to my room, closed the door and watched TV while drinking. I was so upset. The beautiful SB was the first to check on me, I love her. She was so wasted but still was desperate to make things okay and be there for me, she had a long talk with me and went downstairs and tried to get everyone in line (didn't work as I thought) and kept everyone but LG out of my room. So from about 10pm or so I stayed in my room until I went to sleep at about 3am. But that was pretty much the best part of it. (more soon).


When I got up a few friends like MS, LE and AR (surprisingly all guys) had attempted to clean up a little, and I showed my appreciation but then nicely said to everyone to get the fuck out. Where I then spent the next 3 hours trying to clean. Thank god my mum was in a good mood and thank god I'm pretty good at fixing these things. WHAT A DISASTER. NEVER AGAIN .... probably.


I want to talk about LG but this is a huge post already so I'm going to split it. I can't believe how much I've got to say! Haha. And I haven't weighed myself, after the weight from drinking, the ham and the chocolate I'm terrified to. But I did look in the mirror and for some reason, my thighs don't touch any more. I cried with happiness.


"We should be happy ever after, happiness and laughter. What a natural disaster."


Posted at 12:03

Friday, 16 December 2011

All About Tonight

What I hope to look like at my party tonight :) ...
(Except not thin and with much smaller boobs xD)
(Oh and my hair is up not short :))



"Yeah the night is alive you can feel the heartbeat, let's just go with the flow, we've been working all week. Tomorrow doesn't matter when you're moving your feet. It's all about tonight."

Posted at 15:59

Beautiful Day

I don't want to jinx anything but things are so amazing today! :D First of all, I have a new follower, and I'd like to say welcome! :) Looks like I'm getting followers every few months aha *sigh* it'd be so nice to have tons. Second of all, I'm soooooo freakin' close to my second GW! :D and third of all, I'm having a party at my house tonight! :D WOO.


Today's a fasting day, which I'm going to completely stick to but of course I will be drinking tonight, but if I don't eat fuck it, it still counts xD I'm so excited! in less than nine hours I can be dressed up, playing loud music, drinking my ass off, dancing, chatting, laughing and playing lots of drinking games! :D I hope it goes well! At the moment the worst I'm thinking could happen is 1. the christmas tree being knocked over (tree destroyed, water everywhere) 2. someone throwing up anywhere other than a sink or toilet 3. some massive argument or accident happening 4. some big uncontrollable thing fucking up like a power cut or the snow settling! (no way of people getting here)


BUT. POSITIVE THOUGHTS. Ahhh! I love parties and I love LG at parties (this time I WILL NOT tell him more about my damn feelings) when he gets completely fucked up hehe. BRING ON THE WEEKEND BITCHES!


"It's a beautiful day! Don't let it get away!"





Posted at 10:11

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

The Other Side

I can't actually believe my current weight is my new lowest weight. I'm almost like in shock! So sooo proud :) And the good thing is I'm unlikely to get cocky about it, because as proud as I am that I've lost 10lb since I got myself back into control, I still hate how I look. My ribs still aren't how I want them, I still have some fat on the sides of my hips, I still have horrible cheeks, I still have squishy bits I can pull and prod, my arms still wobble and my thighs still touch. So I'm not going to 'reward' myself with food, I'm not going to become smug and throw it all away 'because I'll be fine and look great', there's no giving up and I'm going to be 100lb by the end of January by the absolute latest :)


"And you won't know what it's like until you try."


Posted at 09:21

Friday, 9 December 2011

Cheers (Drink To That)

So I'm on a certain diet alongside another blogger :) Which attempts to lose 6lb. The first two days are fasting, I think it's the third and fourth days are a small amount of vegetables, and the fifth and sixth days are fasting...something like that :)
I started on Tuesday with fasting and it's gone so well! All I had yesterday was an apple and today I've had another apple - yeah it's supposed to be veg but we only have vegetables you have to cook to eat (without being disgusting) and my mum will get suspicious. So since the start of Tuesday I've lost 3.6lb! and I'm hoping it'll keep dropping :)


I've also decided to try and go until next Friday without eating anything unnatural. So basically just living off of fruit and vegetables :) Yum! (not even sarcasm :D)


The only problem I'm finding is that my insomnia and weakness from not eating is making it difficult to exercise like it used to, yesterday I collapsed when doing it :S I'm hoping I'll get stronger somehow...



"Life's too short to be sitting around miserable, people are gonna' talk whether you're doing bad or good."

Posted at 21:12

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Lighters

Ahhhh! Oh my godddd! I'm so happy! :) first GW achieved and only 3lb away from weighing less than ever! :D I thought it would take ages but there I was standing on the scales thinking they must be broken...maybe they are? But I cant help but think they must not be because I've been so good with exercising and barely eating :)


Today is good :)


"This one's for you and me, living out our dreams. We're all right where we should be."


Posted at 08:45

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Cockiness

I'm finally in a good place with my eating. Back to my habits and mind set at my LW. Today I've had an apple (recently) and it filled me up so much I feel sick, I feel quite guilty for eating it too, but compared to the kind of food that made me feel guilty before this is great.
I haven't weighed myself in a while, I got sick of being disappointed by not losing anything, so as stupid as it sounds I'm hoping if I weigh myself in a couple of days I'll be pleasantly surprised. I'm feeling confident that I'll be at my first GW by the end of next week at the latest, I just cant get cocky, because if I do I'll feel invincible and think it's okay to binge here and there.
I also think I'm either going to come off of the ABC diet or start again and take away a couple/few hundred, because although yes it's supposed to help my metabolism, I just cant eat 500 calories! The most I have is 300 and even then I hate myself. So I guess it's sort of the ABCDE Diet...Ana Boot Camp Diet Extreme.


So excited!


Why not make thinspo festive!

"Place my wants and needs over your resistance."

Posted at 19:21

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Perfect

I want need a nose job. I need one so badly it hurts. I wish I had loads of money to do it. My nose is so huge and gross it makes me look twice as ugly.
All I want for Christmas...


TO BE THIN.
TO HAVE A NEW NOSE.


If I can't have the second one I'm going to damn well try my hardest for the first.


I just want to be perfect.


If she can cross them both off of her list, so can I.

Posted at 01:18 (Monday)

Friday, 2 December 2011

Hot N Cold

I'm getting so pissed off! First of all with Blogger. I have to refresh my dashboard page like a million times until it finally stops saying I'm not following any blogs and eventually shows the posts from blogs that I AM following!
Second of all, with my weight. I was stuck at 118lb for a while and then finally it dropped to 117lb, which is what I am now. But yesterday it dropped even more, and I was so excited and happy to be 1lb away from my first GW! And then I looked today and it had gone back to 117lb!!!! After working my ass off exercising yesterday and eating 200 calories. I can understand that it's going to be a long journey to get to each GW, but I can't understand putting on weight for no reason.


PLEASE ANA, GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!


"Cause you're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no, you're in then you're out, you're up then you're down."


Posted at 15:31

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Do You Want It All

I get bored, and I get stressed. So when I'm feeling either, I do artistic stuff. So I made a version of myself that I WILL be eventually :)


Made with Flash :)


"Because you want to be it all because you want to be it all."

Posted at 18:25

Saturday, 26 November 2011

My Big Mistake

Here's some advice...don't drink. If you do there's a chance of these things happening:
- You'll come home and eat everything in sight because you have no idea what you're doing.
- You'll wake up with a MASSIVE hangover that wants to make you eat more to recover like you used to, but cant...because it's your fasting day on the ABC diet.
- You'll also wake up with lots of unexplainable bruises.
- You'll also remember TELLING YOUR BEST FRIEND THAT YOU LIKE THEM AFTER NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE ANYMORE OF HIDING YOUR FEELINGS AND LISTENING TO HIM TELLING YOU HE LIKES SOME GIRL THAT HE FUCKED AT A PARTY AND YOU'LL REALISE IT WAS ONE OF THE STUPIDEST THINGS YOU'VE DONE WHILE DRUNK IN A LONG TIME.




FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.


"Wish I could un-make my big mistake."


Posted at 15:24

Friday, 25 November 2011

She Is

Ahh coffee. Used to hate it, now I can't go a day without it. It's my breakfast every day, fills me up, gives me a boost and with my 1 calorie sweeteners, sorts out my sweet cravings instantly :)


I'm faced with a problem though. I was losing between half a pound and one and a half pounds every day for a while, and when that wasn't happening I was at least losing something. But now I'm stuck, I've stayed the same weight for days and I just can't seem to kick this stupid number! I exercise every day, I change it around to challenge myself, I've been perfect on the ABC diet...WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?! I just want to get back to my LW, then I'll know that I can do anything, if I got there before I can get there again...and this time I WILL NOT give up.


"Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home, for now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own to figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand, instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land. This is gonna' break me clean in two, this is gonna' bring me close to you. She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted. She is everything I want that I never knew I needed."


Posted at 15:14

Monday, 21 November 2011

Looking Up

Another 2lb lost! :) I'm hoping within the next two days another pound will be gone and I'll be 2 away from my first GW! :D Especially after today which is my 100 calories day on the ABC Diet and I've had an hour and a half of exhausting exercise. I'm so tired, weak and shaky, but I feel amazing :) I know that when I feel like this I'm doing well and feel so proud :)


I think what's making me do so much better recently is having a plan, I already have the ABC Diet recorded, a food diary and an exercise diary, and now I've got a food plan. This way I know exactly what I'm going to have every day and when. It really works! :) It's so nice to feel happy again, life's still crap, but when I have Ana by my side, the world seems so bright.


"I'd never trade it in 'cause I've always wanted this! It's not a dream anymore! No, it's not a dream anymore! It's worth fighting for."


Posted at 18:08

Friday, 18 November 2011

Dog Days Are Over

I've lost 2lb! :) Yeah it's not much but the amount of time I've lost it in is great and it's 2lb closer to my GW, it all adds up in the end :) I changed the ABC diet to the normal one not the +300 one, and it's going great, I can't wait to lose more and more weight! Part of what keeps me motivated are the quotes I think about non stop every day...





One of the ones I think about the most.






The other one I think about the most

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track."

Posted at 19:08

Monday, 14 November 2011

I Believe

Erin.: Thank you so much for your comment! It actually brought tears to my eyes and made me smile so much! It's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a long time :)


So I've been on the ABC diet AGAIN. But this time I've added on 300 calories, I got the idea from a blog I've been following, I think it's a good idea because as she said, this way I'm not setting myself up to fail :) A lot of the time I have 100-200 left over anyway so it's great. I'm on day 6 and haven't failed at all yet! I actually feel proud for once. I feel like as long as I completely focus on this, my mood will keep lifting. I'm so glad I'm slowly getting better with this and even more glad that my mental health is slowly improving :)






"They said you wouldn't make it so far, and ever since they said it, it's been hard. But nevermind the nights you had to cry 'cause you had never let it go inside. You worked real hard and you know exactly what you want and need, so believe and you can never give up, you can reach your goals. Just talk to your soul and say I believe I can, I believe I will..."

Posted at 16:54


Friday, 11 November 2011

If The Rain Must Fall

I usually hate winter. Is it even winter yet? It's probably still autumn...but who cares, it feels like winter. But I'm not hating it at the moment, in my current state I don't often leave the house so I'm often curled up in a chunky cardigan, and when I go out I can wear my gorgeous coat or some big jumpers. I'm actually not hating something for once.


I think the medication is working, I have a bit more energy, I don't feel like I'm going to cry non stop, I actually feel okay. The only problem is that I was told it would improve my appetite...and it has. I'm in such a hurry to be thin I feel like I'm going to explode from how much I want it...why are there so many hurdles?!


But oh well, this medication gets me feeling a bit high when I first take it, so right now I'm actually...happy? Wow :)


"Life can be strange, good and bad in so many ways, and in time you will find that things are not always what they seem."


Posted at 15:50

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Firework

Fireworks night...how the hell is it November already?! Can't believe it's Christmas next month...dear god I hate that day. Going to a family members house who you never normally visit, amongst other extremely dull family members you never spend time with...for an entire day. Last year I actually fell asleep in the afternoon.


But Fireworks night is different, it's cold enough to wear a cosy coat, but not freezing, there's no need to spend time with people you don't want to, you can just hang out with 'friends', have some drinks, have a fire, and watch the most gorgeous explosions in the sky.
Tonight I plan to actually get dressed, go out, drink, smoke and feel normal. I can pretend there's nothing wrong with me, see my best friend, and be a part of a crowd that are silenced by the sound of the fireworks.


Please, oh please can I just enjoy myself for one single night, even if it's the most simple night in the world, I just want to feel happy.


"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?"


Posted at 11:15

Thursday, 3 November 2011

All I Want

My god I want to be 18. The ability to just go to the shop and pick up some cigarettes or some drink, or to call up a friend and say "fuck it lets go out tonight!" and not have to wait for some big event to come up. Still...only just over 7 months to go -_-

I spend too much of my life counting down the time until something changes. Waiting for an event, desperate to grow up - without the responsibility, desperate to be thin, desperate to feel happy...
The truth is life is easy, I'm not at school any more because I can't handle it, I have no responsibilities, nothing's truly difficult. But yet it's still so overwhelming. I really do hate life and I hate that I hate it!

Anyway I'll stop moaning, blogging is pointless when all I'm doing is complaining that I'm not thin and I'm not happy. I just didn't want to wait another week until I post. Maybe my new meds will kick in soon and I'll be bouncing off the walls...

"All I want is a place to call my own, to mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone. Woah, you know you keep your hopes up high and your head down low."

Posted at 10:56

Sunday, 30 October 2011

I Don't Want To Be

I'd only left the house three times since the 11th, all of which to go to counselling sessions. I tried to see LG for the first time in what felt like forever after my Wednesday session but had a panic attack and couldn't go...Getting sick of feeling like such a mess.

Note to self: When you've had a bad experience, not been the same since, not spoken to or seen anyone for weeks and are planning on finally going out somewhere again...don't make it a party. I got dressed up for the first time in god knows how long and weirdly felt slightly pretty, but I think it was just because I've been used to seeing scruffy hair, red, soggy, tired eyes, and pale, unpainted skin in the mirror for so long. It was sort of...slightly fun. But now I feel even worse. I became the old me again for the night, the person I was before everything happened, she was confident, chatty and smiled. But I didn't like her, and I don't feel like that's me anymore. I should never have tried to pretend I'm okay and left my room. I'm not ready for anything.

The good news is I've had no appetite for weeks, so I've slowly but surely been losing weight again. Right now my life has nothing, but I'll never stop focusing on becoming thin, and once I am I'll have something to be proud of, and have something to define me.

"I don't wanna' be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately, all I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind. I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I've gotta' do or who I'm supposed to be. I don't wanna' be anything other than me."

Posted at 16.18

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Because of You

I was going to try and blog a lot. Then everything got worse. So much worse. I had a meltdown from stress, locked myself away crying and hating life more and more. But I accepted an invite to a house party and got very drunk, it made me blow off some steam but when I woke up I decided work could go and fuck itself, so I didn't go, I didn't even call in, I'd officially begun to lose my grip on reality.
My mum - away for the weekend, was so insanely angry. The more angry she got the more she pushed me away and put me down, the more she lowered my self esteem and the more she left me completely emotionally alone day after day until I had no one to talk to and no where to turn. I got to the point where I felt insane, the kind of crying where it's mixed with a scream, where you're rocking and gritting your teeth and pulling on your hair and everything's a blur. On Tuesday the 11th I got home as quickly as I could, packed a bag and ran out of the house without anyone knowing, I went to an empty field where I sat alone crying, I eventually heard voices telling me there's nothing more I can do, I'm worthless, life will never get better, do it, kill yourself. The crying was worse than ever and I could feel myself edging closer and closer to grabbing all of my anti-depressants and overdosing...again. (Last year I went through with it, but it didn't work because I didn't have enough...I just fell asleep).


I felt like I had two options, call someone for help, or take them. So I desperately called my dad who I barely talk to, who told me it's life and to get a grip. He's never understood that having a mental illness stops your from being able to do that. I felt worse and hung up. My mum sent me an angry text at that moment about an argument and I text her saying 'I'm sitting alone in a field ready to take all of my pills. Help. Please help' and she called me, saying the exact same thing my dad did until I hung up feeling worse again. I was about to end my suffering and take them when I remembered what my doctor said after last time 'If you ever overdose again call an ambulance immediately no matter what'...I thought to myself amongst all of my panic: I haven't taken them, but I have no one else left in the world I can turn to, maybe an ambulance would help me and stop me even if I haven't taken them? This is my last chance before I explode...'


I called them in a huge panic with my words slurred amongst tears, they told me to go to the nearest road and house number so I ran until I collapsed in a heap on the phone and told them where I was. They turned up soon after and sat me in the ambulance for about an hour trying to calm me down as I cried and cried. They called my mum and told her they were taking me to the hospital. Once I was there I was there for hours. I felt drained of emotion, in a zombie like state. I just stared into space feeling crazy the entire time. After being snapped out of it and once again crying as I poured my heart out to a professional I was sent home.
Everyone told me that night how brave and sensible I was to call the ambulance instead of taking the pills, everyone but my mum. I didn't feel sensible, I felt truly mental. Even more than ever before.


Since then I've not been the same. It was like the last straw, I've officially snapped and now life is different. Five years. Five fucking years of depression. Years of self-harm. A year of counselling. A year and a half of anti-depressants. And all I am is worse. I'm so SICK of not being normal.


I've not been at school since, apart from the one time where I had a panic attack and got taken out of the lesson and surprisingly had the head of sixth form be really nice to me and say 'I don't think you're ready to be back yet, you need more time so you can be healthy'. I've ignored all of my 'friends' since, LG was on holiday, the worst timing ever. And everyone else's texts I dodged, ignored Facebook posts, didn't accept invites to anything and tried to keep everyone in the dark, I don't want any one to know, and I still don't. I bumped into SB and a couple more on that one school day and felt terrified. I cant look anyone in the eye any more, I can't talk to them, I don't know how to exist anywhere outside of my house now. It scares me, I've never felt this way before and I just don't know how to go back to before the meltdown. I hate being outside, the insanely anxious and paranoid feeling of every single person staring at me and talking about me drives me insane and near tears. I've become my own prisoner.


LG's back now. I'm seeing him tomorrow. It's the first time since the 11th that I'll be out for the day without it being to see counsellors or doctors (who have finally decided to change my anti-depressants), I'm so nervous, I sound different, I act different, I'm never happy. Who wants to spend the day with that?


My life's a mess. I almost wish I hadn't called that fucking ambulance.




"I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I Will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you"



Posted at 22:27

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Stop & Stare

The feeling. God I've missed this. Light headed, weak, shaky, I'm in a weirdly high mood from not eating all day. Finally! I was so depressed last night and today that I secretly skipped school and haven't eaten a thing, I even dumped my dinner in the bin for the first time in a while.


When I feel like this, like I've just had a toke on a spliff, I remember what kept me from eating, I adore this feeling and of course as well as the thought of it adding up to some day feeling thin, it's ten times better than food will ever be.


One day I'm going to be tiny. I want to be so light that the weakest of people can lift me. So fragile that everyone's afraid they'll break me. So narrow that they could practically pass through me. So proud that I could scream with happiness. I want to be so painfully and shockingly thin that when anyone see's me they gasp and stare, and whisper 'she looks nearly dead'.


"Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could. Steady feet don't fail me now."


Posted at 22:17

Monday, 3 October 2011

Before The Worst

I'm crap at posting. There's just really nothing to tell, I feel too ashamed to post about my eating because of how messed up it's become, the diet pretty much stopped, I didn't plan it but it sort of faded away. I'll be starting again when I get my head back to normal.


My life is pointless to talk about most of the time too, I spend 5 miserable days a week at school, and the other 2 at work. I'm so sick of not even having a day to relax and stop feeling stressed for a minute. I have to be honest and say I really don't like my life at the moment, I have one friend (thank god for him), school is shit, I feel completely alone, there's always work to do, and I hate my job. At least my relationship with my mum is good...for now, when it's bad...it. is. bad. I won't get into it, but I've had a scarring as hell childhood with her. I just hope we don't go back to it again. If I end up hating being at home again as well as everywhere else...I don't know what the hell I'll do.


I wish I felt like money didn't matter to me, if I didn't feel like I need it I'd quit my job instantly. I started off liking it but it's become a nightmare, it's exhausting, chaotic, the staff (minus my fellow trainees) are horrible and with how easily I crack under pressure it's just too much to handle. I made a mistake the other day and my manager got so angry she called me a 'fucking idiot' and got me so upset with everything I ran into the toilets and secretly cried in my break. I even considered running out because I couldn't take it. But I'm glad I didn't...when I'm done with this job, it'll be a dignified end.





Some day soon I'll feel beautiful, happy & loved...


"Before too late, before too long, let's try to take it back before it all went wrong."

Posted at 22:14

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Nothing Compares

I haven't posted in so long, I'm usually addicted to posting, I guess lately when I haven't been busy I've been sick. It's been over a week and I've been ill every day, first of all with sickness - the first two days I threw up so I guess that's an upside, but the rest have been a nightmare, I had a day off of work - so I lost money, I had to leave early the day after because of how ill I was - losing more money, then I had two and a half days off of school - getting me behind on a lot of work, and I've been ill this weekend too, but at least I made it to work this time. But the worst part is, I've really fucked up my ABC diet, so badly it makes me tearful thinking about it. Having so much time at home with nothing to do and food all around me drove me insane, and as soon as I got my appetite back after the two throwing up days...I lost control. I've binged for almost a week. I HATE MYSELF.


I can't bare to look at the scales, I bet I've put insane amount of weight on, and to top it off, I've been too ill to exercise. I feel fucked. I've spent day after day alone in my room crying and binging. I'm honestly miserable when I lose my control and strength with this. I just can't stop the temptation from making its way into my brain and taking over, I wish I had someone to help me through it. I'm so tired of being alone.


I'm carrying on with ABC. It's a 50 day diet, I can't give up so quickly just because I've fucked a part of it up. I cant wait for the day of fasting; Tuesday <3 I'll feel so happy, my stomach will be empty, my body will be weak, and my head will feel light as air. Then I'll know I'm in control again.




"They say if it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger."

Posted at 22:51

Friday, 16 September 2011

Ignorance

I have such good friends...all they've done since I've been back for my last year of sixth form at school is made fun of me. It used to always happen but they're really pushing it, making fun of where I live and my family, and making up rumours about me. Why am I friends with these people? they're not friends at all. I've completely out grown them, I feel like an adult, they've remained as children. The upside is that they haven't noticed I haven't eaten since we went back on Monday, at lunch if I'm too hungry to handle I have a can of Pepsi Max (the same 1 calorie intake as Diet Pepsi but with non-artificial sweeteners) from my bag.


I miss LG, other than SB being an average friend and doesn't treat me like complete shit, LG is my best friend, and he's never done anything to hurt me, but he's the only one who left school to work :/ But he would notice instantly if I wasn't eating so I guess it's for the best.


I'm on day 2 of the ABC diet, so far I'm succeeding :) And I'm going to do everything I can to continue succeeding, I'm not giving up, I will be thin. My life would be nothing without the beautiful voice of ana <3


"I'm not the same kid from your memory, well now I can fend for myself."


Posted at 19:49

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Right, I've had enough, I'm so sick of binging. Every time I get stressed out or emotional I eat. Every time I get hungry I eat. Every time I get bored I eat. Every time I'm tempted by the look or smell of food I eat. What the fuck has happened to me?! I used to go for days living off of a bottle of Diet Pepsi and nothing else! I looked in the mirror and burst into tears. All I've been doing is gaining weight, and if I carry on, I'll be right back where I started. I need to stop thinking 'I'll be better tomorrow' and I need to take back control. Starting tomorrow I'm on the ABC Diet, something proven to be effective and what seems like the only option to save myself. I want to have lost at the very least 20 pounds by the end of the year. If I never go over 500 calories, never eat badly, and exercise a lot, I can do it. I was strong before I'll bloody well be strong again. Here come the days of fasting and planned calorie variations for 50 days. And I can't wait <3



"I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong."

Posted at 21:24

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I'd like to dedicate this post to those who suffered during/from 9/11 and to those who died in 9/11. RIP <3



"As my memory rests, but never forgets what I lost."

Posted at 17:15

Saturday, 10 September 2011

1234

Out of boredom and a lot of thought about it in my day dreams, I decided to create a post about my top ten girl/guy celebrity crushes xD God I need a life. But the blogs I read are often sad, 100% about ana and super serious, so I thought I should do a light-hearted post :) Enjoy my crushes!...


Both girls & guys are in order of favourites from 1-10 :) (obviously 1 being the favourite)


GIRLS


1. Jessica Stroup


90210's most gorgeous girl! Actually a little obsessed with her ;) Ugh! <3



2. Pixie Lott

Amazing British singer, almost all of our guys like her, they're not the only ones!



3. Mila Kunis

Could those eyes be more amazing? You'd be crazy not to be into her



4. Ashlee Simpson

I have to admit, I was never interested before the nose job, but she's just so beautiful now! Lucky Pete Wentz! Give her to me! xD



5. Katy Perry

Ugh it was so hard putting her at number 5! I adore her! I could look at her for hours! Feeling like a freak writing this...oh well <3



6. Frankie Sandford

Another British singer, this time from a group. There's just something about her that appeals to me, and her eyes and smile are stunning! Nommmm



7. Hayley Williams

A typical crush that loads of people have, but come on, who can resist? I mean, it's her! Doesn't get cuter!



8. Ellie Goulding

I have to admit, even though these crushes are based on looks (but I do love more than just looks about loads of them) a lot of my attraction towards this British singer comes from her voice. But she's beautiful too!



9. Kaya Scoldelario:

An actress from the British 'Skins'. She's so beautifully thin and uniquely gorgeous <3



10. Jessica Alba

I think her smile could make anyone weak, it's so soft! She's always been so stunning to me




GUYS

1. Matt Lanter

And 90210's most gorgeous guy ;D Dear god he makes me melt! Aha thank you 90210 for giving me the 2 most amazing people ever!



2. Mitch Hewer

Another actor from Skins, but the 1st & 2nd series. I've had a crush on him for countless years! He's such a pretty boy! xD Ah! <3



3. Wentworth Miller

Apparently he's like nearly 40...he looks so young!! I swear my heart hurt throughout all of Prison Break watching him! Lol!



4. Enrique Inglesias

Ooft his sexy voice and smouldering looks. 'Nuff said. ;) Aha



5. Andrew Garfield

After first seeing his gorgeous face in The Social Network I had a crush on him instantly! Can't wait to watch him in a tight Spider-man outfit ;D



6. Luke Pasqualino

And yet another Skins cast member lol! we all loved him it was difficult not to adore the character he played and his incredible smile!



7. Example

Quite an odd crush, but he's gotten better looking recently and I can't help but be so attracted to him! xD



8. Ryan Reynolds

He's so cute! Another person I could look at for hours :) And the body ;)



9. Ashton Kutcher

He never gets old xD I swear he seems like he's been the same age forever! And he always seems to get better looking!



10. Drew Fuller

This is more of a gap filler to be perfectly honest :L He's more of an ex or old crush, but I still find him attractive :)



"Old teenage hopes are alive at your door, left you with nothing but they want some more."

Posted at 23:59